World Affairs
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de’ Medici Family Plans New Restaurant Venture in “Hyde Park, Chicago”
Following their recent exile from the city of Florence, many have assumed that the de’ Medici family have been spending all their time sitting on their massive piles of money as they plot…
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Point: Maybe you need to feed the people? Counterpoint: But what about my golden rotating statue?
Can’t you see that I am trying to build this golden statue? I mean look at it. It’s rotating to face the sun! Has Kim Jong Il done this shit? No, I DID!
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Top 5 Yummy Political Leaders to Consume
Following the crowd’s cannibalism of Johan de Witt, the last Dutch prime minister, many of our esteemed readers wanted further advice on who the most delicious politicians would be. So, per our team…
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Point: It Is the Best of Times / Counterpoint: It Is the Worst of Times
O, what a time to be alive! There are a few idiots (who pay their friends to explain Adam Smith to them) at the apex of society, while the masses toil for a…
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Trump Vows War to Last No More than 6 Weeks/5 Minutes/17 Years
“This is gonna be over so fast, you’re not even gonna believe it,” Trump told a gaggle of reporters. “This is gonna be—look, in six weeks, this is gonna be done. History. OK?…
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Odyssey Scholars Program replaced by David Rubenstein Sugar Baby Program
Incoming students from low-income backgrounds will be able to come to the school in exchange for their sexual services to the investors of the DRSB fund. At first, the DRSB fund will be…
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Viktor Orbán Wins Bid for USG President
Launching his bid two weeks ago, Orbán decided to run, citing the near non-existent turnout in previous USG elections. “After realizing that when a lot of people voted, I would lose, I realized…
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We Should Do This Thing, Says Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It
Unfortunately, Guy Who Just Doesn’t Fucking Get It failed to consider the existence of the concepts of nuance or logistics. Although his idea seems like a sensible opinion that could theoretically keep cars…
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Your Old Humanities Paper Appears in Epstein Files
The greatest embarrassment from the files, in which your unredacted full name appears, was the “C” you received on the paper. In an email to journalist Michael Wolff, Epstein noted that “the odyysey…
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Trump organizes GoFundMe to buy Greenland
If Denmark refuses to sell its territory, the funds may be used to purchase enough votes of Greenlanders to force them to sell. Details about the last part are unclear (given the decision…
