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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    Obama to Appear in Kent 107 for Guest Organic Chemistry Lecture

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / March 25, 2023

    Obama’s appearance has him join a long and distinguished list of UChicago Chemisty Professors who just don’t give a fuck.

    read more
  • Politics

    Mayoral Candidates Spend $4 Million on Crucial Max P Ad Blitz

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 9, 2023

    Max Palevsky residents reportedly have not noticed the garish and colorful portraits which, according to one Graham House resident, “actually blend in really well with our haunted circus color scheme.”

    read more
  • Politics

    Heroic Woodlawn Arsonist Blows Up Debt Ceiling

    William Foster / March 7, 2023

    The debt ceiling, recently breached by the US national debt, was finally brought down by an explosion which the Pentagon believes to be a deliberate attack.

    read more
  • Politics

    Lightfoot Promises 4-Hour CTA Delays “Only Some of the Time”

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / March 1, 2023

    CTA riders who spoke with the Dealer said the move would be life-changing. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that only half my waking hours will be spent waiting…

    read more
  • Politics

    Orthodox and Catholic Churches Reunite, Citing “Reconcilable Differences”

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / February 24, 2023

    “We’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and we’ve come to the realization that papal infallibility and unwavering submission to Rome are actually really cool.”

    read more
  • Politics

    Kevin McCarthy Secures College Council Speakership After 14 Ballots

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / February 20, 2023

    I really just wanted to put ‘Speaker of College Council’ on my LinkedIn.

    read more
  • Politics

    Panicked Republicans Nominate Gun-Toting Muppet for Speaker of the House

    Sophie Klopfenstein and 1 more / January 3, 2023

    According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.

    read more
  • Politics

    Sosc Class Definitively Solves Israel-Palestine Conflict

    Jeff Broust / December 9, 2022

    At a press conference following this monumental discussion section, leaders of Israel and Palestine were observed slapping their foreheads and continuously muttering, “Why didn’t we think of that?”

    read more
  • Politics

    Point: Joe Biden Is Ruining America/Counterpoint: Grandpa, Can We Please Just Have a Normal Thanksgiving Dinner for Once?

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 23, 2022

    This is why we never come here for the holidays. You thought it would be such a great idea for the kids to watch Fox News instead of Dora the Explorer because it…

    read more
  • Politics

    Turkey Pardon Gone Wrong: Armenian Genocide Perpetrators Acquitted of War Crimes

    Mike Pence / November 21, 2022

    According to sources, the White House is considering apologizing to the Armenian-American community by promising an open dialogue that will happen sometime in the near, yet far future.

    read more
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Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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