Heroic Woodlawn Arsonist Blows Up Debt Ceiling

WASHINGTON  — The debt ceiling, recently breached by the US national debt, was finally brought down by an explosion which the Pentagon believes to be a deliberate attack.

The suspect is believed to be the same person behind the recent fire in Woodlawn Residential Commons. “Congress refused to raise the debt ceiling, so I decided to raze it myself,” said the arsonist, who then gave his joke a 1-minute standing ovation.

The debt ceiling was previously guarded by a state-of-the-art security system built to prevent such an attack from happening. This system was removed in the latest round of budget cuts. 

President Biden lamented the carefully procured collection of national debt that will now become irrelevant thanks to the attack. 

House Speaker Kevin McCarthy condemned the action. “The Democrats are using this act of terrorism as an excuse to raise the deficit! When have we, the Republican Party, ever used terrorism as an excuse to increase national spending and seize more control?” 

Congress appropriated funds to construct a new debt ceiling, even higher than the last one, which will remain standing until breached by the amount of borrowing needed to reconstruct it.