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Masthead

Editor in Chief

Merrin Seegers

Managing Editor

Lena Birkholz

Deputy Managing Editors

Maisie Thompson

Jacob Halabe

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Photo Editor

Emilio Rosas Linhard

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Aidan Jones

Andrea Zhou

 •

Deputy Layout Editors

Vangelis Psylos

Anu Vashist

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Politics

    In Election Day Twist, Texas Turns Blue

    Gate Silver / November 6, 2020

    November 3rd, 2020 has been a historic day for many reasons, not least because of a historic break with conventional election wisdom. For the first time since 1976, Texas has voted blue. A Pew…

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  • Politics

    Have You Voted Yet, You Fucking Bastards?

    David Axelrod / November 3, 2020

    You miscreants, you fucking econ majors --  you haven’t fucking voted yet have you. I bet you dick breathed, ass brained nut-rags haven’t even looked up your polling places. You disgust me.

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  • Politics

    CANDIDATE Wins Presidency

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 3, 2020

    The Dealer decision desk has a projection to make: NAME was elected ORDINAL NUMBER President of the United States last night, winning NUMBER electoral votes, compared to NUMBER votes for NAME.

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  • Politics

    I Voted 8 Times and All UChivotes Gave Me Was This Lousy T Shirt

    Isaac Murrell / November 3, 2020

    It has often been said that this election will be the most consequential of our lifetimes, so it is of utmost importance that we motivate voters to stay engaged. After all, it is…

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  • Politics

    Trump Decries Identity Politics in Last-ditch Appeal to Balding Blue-collar Midwestern White Men Aged 40-65

    Trae Falgar-Crostabbs / November 2, 2020

    With just a few days left before election day, the presidential race has entered its final hours. And facing a steep deficit in many national and key state polls, the Trump campaign has…

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  • Politics

    6 Cute Dogs Who Can’t Understand Why the Election is Important

    R.E. Stern / November 2, 2020

    If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a human, cursed with the ability to comprehend phrases like “electoral college” or “voter suppression.” Here are six cute dogs who, unlike you, don’t have to…

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  • Politics

    Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Attend Hearings Without Ceremonial Mace of President George Washington Present in the Room

    Rahul Gupta / October 18, 2020

    Republicans’ efforts to replace the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg on the Supreme Court with Judge Amy Coney Barrett encountered an unexpected snag recently, as Judge Barrett announced her refusal to attend the confirmation…

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  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad

    University of Chicago Administration / September 9, 2020

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be…

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  • Politics

    Biden Chooses Kamala Harris for President, Joe Biden for VP

    R.E. Stern / August 12, 2020

    SCRANTON, PA – In a historic, bizarre, and unprecedented move, Joe Biden announced today that he had selected himself as the Democratic vice-presidential candidate. Biden also announced that Kamala Harris would replace him…

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  • Politics

    Rahm Leaves Chicago, Goes to Hell

    / September 16, 2018

    At a shocking press conference held Tuesday, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel announced he would not be seeking reelection. Reading from prepared remarks, Emanuel explained his last-minute withdrawal from the mayoral campaign. “I’m leaving…

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Read It and Weep

  • France and Peru to Trade Places for a Week
  • Op-Ed: Heartbreaking! Phoebe Bridgers Broke up With Her Boyfriend, Also on a Separate Note, My Parents’ House Is Being Foreclosed on and We Don’t Have a Home
  • Op-Ed: Journalism Means Never Having to Say You’re Sorry
  • Copy of USG Announces Plan to Recount All Five Votes
  • Model UN Becomes Too Powerful; Overthrows Real UN
  • Econ Major Declares for NBA Draft, Cites Fact that Most Draftees Make Millions
  • Breaking: Class Day Speaker Bret Stephens Discovered to Be 7 Billion Bedbugs in a Suit
  • A Guide to Emotionally Preparing for Canvas Notifications
  • Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
  • Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus

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