Off-Campus Life
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Top 5 Discoveries I Made When My Lyft Took Me to My Date an Hour Late
So, I went on a date the other day with this guy I met on Hinge. I had everything arranged—we would meet at 3pm at Millennium Park, walk by the lake, maybe grab…
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Help! My Roommate Thinks Anthony Bourdain and Jeffery Epstein Are the Same Person
I tried to explain that Anthony Bourdain was, in fact, a chef and writer who was featured on television many times for things unrelated to sex trafficking. Idee nodded politely, the way you…
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Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
Each VR set includes a vacuum hose attached to its headset, which has the ability to “suck” animals through a hose and into the game—a necessity if the player wishes to craft.
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In Addition to Fluoridated Water
Brominated Water - Is down to party this weekend and plans to major in Econ.
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OpenAI Unveils New Model of ChatGPT Capable of Developing Anxiety Disorders
According to OpenAI, the updated ChatGPT will be able to ruminate obsessively about its shortcomings in a completely spontaneous manner, without any input from a human programmer.
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Jason Momoa Rocks the Minecraft Movie, Brings in 2000% More Hot Moms than Predicted
The Minecraft movie, originally predicted to cater to 6-to-12-year-olds with an unhealthy obsession for pixelated dirt, has become a cultural phenomenon among 30-to-45-year-old women who "just thought it looked like something the kids…
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“The More I See The Kendrick Lamar Halftime Show, The More I Like It!” Says My Aunt Laura
The post featured a Facebook avatar of Laura doing two thumbs up with a cornfield in the background. Some have speculated that the cornfield is a nod to her hometown of Corn City.
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Huzzah! Progressive Parent Pledges to Merely Threaten Queer Kid Instead of Denouncing Them This Year
Needless to say, Jade was still viscerally disgusted at their father’s comments. While The Shady Dealer initially attempted to reach Jade for comment, the paper was informed that quoting them could be construed…
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Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
But what happens when egg prices get too high? People resort to other items for food. Sometimes it’s steak, sometimes it’s lentils. But in the end, some people will choose trout. This will…
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Five Caricature Artists to Befriend if You Want to Make it in This Town
“Wait, Mitt Romney is a caricature artist?” Yes, and he’s very good.
