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People Names Luigi Mangione Sexiest Assassin of the Year
University of Alabama Professor of Sexiness Studies Jenna Hottz concurred with the committee’s decision: “Luigi is on the Mount Rushmore of hotness for murderers, if I may say so myself. Luigi, if you’re…
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NYT Releases Crumbl: “The Game Where You Watch Your Life Crumble Away”
"We wanted to provide our loyal subscribers a one-of-a-kind experience: the chance to pinpoint the exact second where their life turned to shit."
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Five Things to Spend Your Money on Besides Blu-ray Copies of Ghost Rider 2
Unfortunately, all those boxes of Blu-ray can fill up your attic shockingly fast.
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Point: Beware of the Zombie Apocalypse/ Counterpoint: Brainsssss
We at the Bureau of Undead Containment have recently received alerts of multiple sightings of “mushy grey-pink slush” in relatively isolated areas, which our scientists have confirmed are scattered brains.
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EPIC NEW FRESHMEN CHARTER NEW FRAT OMEGA OMEGA OMEGA
Anyways, me and my boys are buying this apartment in Solstice cause we don’t like living in I-House and we thought it would be really cool to cram as many people in there…
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University Initiates Book Drive for Local Elementary School
When asked about the book drive program, one parent responded, “Wait, they’re selling the books, right? For money? And then they’re giving us the money. Right?” The parent expressed disappointment upon being provided…
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New Paid Internship Program Charges Students Instead of Paying Them
Overjoyed second-year student Tyler Dinheiro bragged, “It’s only $50 for a criminal law internship in Atlantis. Of course I accepted immediately.” This amount of money is, in fact, incredibly low; most paid internships…
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Summer Internship Spotlight: “I Worked for A Guy Who Played the Kool-Aid Man in Commercials 20 Years Ago”
Glass found McBrownton on Craigslist, where he had posted an ad that read “HELP ME HELP ME PLEASE. I am a famous TV star.” Glass, who was reportedly “getting desperate” in the search…
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Trader Joe’s Introduces New Pumpkin-Spiced Toilet Bowl Cleaner
Customer response has already been overwhelmingly positive. “I always try to get into the mood of the season,” said one customer sporting a plaid shirt, a corduroy jacket, another corduroy jacket, rain boots,…
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“Narcolepsy Cookies” Opens on 55th Street to Generally Terrible Reviews
Krispy Kreme’s wildly popular Insomnia Cookies, a staple of college campuses nationwide, received word Saturday that a new sheriff was in town. Or maybe not. Sometimes, at least. He tends to sleep in.
