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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The Bachelor Final Rose to Go to Living Windmill That Speaks Exclusively in Plane Puns

    Anonymous / January 18, 2020

    Sources from ABC had claimed that the ending of The Bachelor would not be spoiled, but Reality Steve strikes again! The gossip blog has revealed that this season’s final rose will go to…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Lonely First Year, Desperate for Pet, Grows Mold

    Kate Kaplin / January 17, 2020

    Everyone should know by this point in the year that the only pets allowed in dorms are the RH’s dogs and kids. Kevin Garcia, however, discovered the loophole of all loopholes. He spilled…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    University Reaffirms Stance on Campus Regulations

    Chicago Shady Dealer / January 13, 2020

    Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Trump to House Democrats: I Am the Senate

    John Buterbaugh / December 20, 2019

    In a White House meeting with House leaders earlier today, President Trump reportedly warned Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) from bringing articles of impeachment before the Senate for a trial, screaming…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Rushdie Happy to Have Just Finished NaNoWriMo

    Harrison Weinstein / December 3, 2019

    Yesterday, Booker Prize Award Winner Salman Rushdie was seen scrambling out of bed in what looked like an unwashed undershirt, which barely covered his belly, throwing on his glasses to crank out the…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Six Ways to Avoid Talking About Impeachment/Hong Kong/Colin Kaepernick/Harvard-Yale/Your Burgeoning Homosexuality This Thanksgiving

    John Buterbaugh / November 30, 2019

    Don’t go home. See #1. See #2. See #5. See #4. Pretend you only understand Aramaic now.

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    How to Get Enough Participation Points to Pass Thanksgiving Dinner

    R.E. Stern and 1 more / November 29, 2019

    Thanksgiving break is upon us, but that doesn’t mean the pressure is off. Here are five great ways to ensure that your participation grade for Thanksgiving dinner is an excellent one: Ask questions…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Thanksgiving Explained by an International Student

    Anonymous / November 26, 2019

    So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Vague Sense of Dread Based on Your Horoscope

    / November 24, 2019

      Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Consider that due to that projection of  planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report

    Deblina Mukherjee / November 23, 2019

    The University of Chicago’s wireless internet services have dropped to No. 333,333,333 in U.S. News & World Report’s 2020 ranking of university wireless internet services (colloquially called “WiFi”). The U.S. News rankings take into account connection…

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Read It and Weep

  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
  • Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
  • UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
  • White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
  • Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
  • Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
  • Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks

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