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Lonely First Year, Desperate for Pet, Grows Mold
Everyone should know by this point in the year that the only pets allowed in dorms are the RH’s dogs and kids. Kevin Garcia, however, discovered the loophole of all loopholes. He spilled…
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University Reaffirms Stance on Campus Regulations
Following recent University correspondence with the undergraduate community at the University of Chicago regarding campus policies on legalized marijuana in the state of Illinois, University Administration has doubled down by publishing a list…
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Trump to House Democrats: I Am the Senate
In a White House meeting with House leaders earlier today, President Trump reportedly warned Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) from bringing articles of impeachment before the Senate for a trial, screaming…
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Rushdie Happy to Have Just Finished NaNoWriMo
Yesterday, Booker Prize Award Winner Salman Rushdie was seen scrambling out of bed in what looked like an unwashed undershirt, which barely covered his belly, throwing on his glasses to crank out the…
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Six Ways to Avoid Talking About Impeachment/Hong Kong/Colin Kaepernick/Harvard-Yale/Your Burgeoning Homosexuality This Thanksgiving
Don’t go home. See #1. See #2. See #5. See #4. Pretend you only understand Aramaic now.
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How to Get Enough Participation Points to Pass Thanksgiving Dinner
Thanksgiving break is upon us, but that doesn’t mean the pressure is off. Here are five great ways to ensure that your participation grade for Thanksgiving dinner is an excellent one: Ask questions…
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Thanksgiving Explained by an International Student
So first they roast a turkey, right, and then sometimes they put other birds inside the turkey and roast those too, and they call it a turduckoose or a turchicken or something. And…
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A Vague Sense of Dread Based on Your Horoscope
Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Consider that due to that projection of planet you always think is a star on to the star that you always think is the northern star but actually…
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UChicago Wifi Ranked #333,333,333 by US News and World Report
The University of Chicago’s wireless internet services have dropped to No. 333,333,333 in U.S. News & World Report’s 2020 ranking of university wireless internet services (colloquially called “WiFi”). The U.S. News rankings take into account connection…
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How to Get Your Dick out of the Revolving Door of the Reg
If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably had a few sleepless nights in this bad boy. And if you’re anything like me, you’ve probably gotten your dick stuck in the revolving door more…
