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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!

    Benny Elfman / November 12, 2020

    The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences --…

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  • Campus Life

    Sorority Girl Accidentally Summons Satan During COB Event

    Anna Katz / November 10, 2020

    Gracie, a prospective classics major, had accidentally gotten her copy of Dante’s “Divine Comedy” mixed up with the 666-page New Member Education booklet distributed to the girls the week before.

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  • Campus Life

    Phil the Phoenix Eats Child

    Chicago Shady Dealer Newsdesk / November 7, 2020

    In an unwelcome addition to an already stressful week of exams and papers, beloved UChicago mascot Phil the Phoenix is reported to have recently eaten a child.

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  • Campus Life

    In Bid for Respectability, Theta Becomes Cult

    Audrey Scott / November 5, 2020

    Following years of racism and discrimination, this UChicago sorority is shaking things up. In their most recent grab for respectability, Kappa Alpha Theta has decided on a bold new direction for their sisterhood:…

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  • Campus Life

    Zoom Host Drunk with Power

    Cameron Chang / October 19, 2020

    In a shocking turn of events, Carl Shelton, Zoom host of his chemistry study group’s meeting this week, has become inexorably drunk with power. 

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  • Campus Life

    If You Sent Your Crush the Wrong Quad Pics…I Am Here to Help.

    Ross Shapiro / October 19, 2020

    So you made a little mistake. Well… maybe a big little mistake. Well…maybe a really big little mistake. You sent your crush the wrong quad pics .    Before you start going into…

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  • Campus Life,  Politics

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island. Counterpoint: Safe Spaces are Bad

    University of Chicago Administration / September 9, 2020

    Point: Students Who Catch COVID Should Be Sent to Stony Island By Provost Ka Yee C. Lee, August 2020 Public health guidelines call for anyone who has tested positive for COVID-19 to be…

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  • Campus Life

    OP-ED: I’m a Fundamentals Major and My Question is “A Who Did What Now?”

    Anne Lim and Jo Blankson / August 10, 2020

    When I came to college from a small town in rural Pennsylvania, I had no idea what I wanted to major in. I tried Math, but it was too hard. I tried Sociology,…

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  • Campus Life

    Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 31, 2019

    Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend…

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  • Campus Life

    UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick

    Chicago Shady Dealer / May 29, 2019

    By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…

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Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
  • President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
  • Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
  • Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
  • Societie of Loyale British Subjekts Seen Counter-Protesting “No Kings” Rally
  • Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
  • Top 10 Places to Cry on Campus
  • House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
  • First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
  • Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains

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