“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.

Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!

A study conducted in Beginner’s Poetry Workshop has ultimately declared feedback from Kyle, a student in the Monday/Wednesday section, to be ineffective at improving the quality of the work of a fellow student,…

Alivasatos is alleged to have submitted papers which contain nothing but basic information about chemical elements taken directly from the periodic table.

The spokesperson for this committee asserted that “a healthy amount of hydrogen and oxygen atoms will enter the student’s stomach instead of the sugar they inhale all the time.” She asked us to…

Is the Chicago wind drying your skin? Could your pores get any larger? Are you plagued by stress breakouts because this school has no idea what a manageable workload is? Worry no more,…

“We’ve resorted to digging pit bathrooms behind the counter,” Andi Brown, a barista at Cobb Café, reported, “It doesn’t smell because the cold has halted the decomposition process, so that’s neat.”

Naturally, some acts of dishonesty were more reprehensible than others. One anonymous third-year who majors in East Asian Languages and Culture and lives in Room 312 in Flint house in Max P stated,…

Since the undergraduate student body clearly seems to be lacking cultural refinement, I have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure…