The Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    Student Dressed as “Fun” Found Dead Inside Reg B Level

    Rogert Accelsior Cockleton / December 8, 2023

    Students were shocked to see paramedics so late on Halloween as the ambulance arrived at the Regenstein library at 11am. Students skipping their 8 and 9:30 am classes interrupted their cognitive haze to…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    House Misses Apple Season, Forced to Go Rutabaga Picking

    Lena Birkholz and 1 more / December 6, 2023

    As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UChicago Login Systems Switch From Duo to Trio

    Alasdair Greenland / December 6, 2023

    First year Micah Powell called the changes “ridiculous.” “There’s no reason the login needs to be this difficult. I went to the tech help desk at the Reg and they told me to…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    First-Year Enchanted by Dead Gazes of Grad Students in Lab

    Katherine Reynolds / December 6, 2023

    First-year biology major Ann Bitious was delighted to find that the graduate students in the lab she joined as an undergraduate research assistant possessed the dead gazes and exhausted slumps she had hoped…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    Student Wellness Reports 700% Increase in Gout

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / December 4, 2023

    "Frankly, this development is extremely disheartening," added Dr. Catherine Lippitz. "It was only a few months ago that we emerged from our battle with croup that claimed two to three hundred students' lives,…

    read more
  • Frustrated boy next to chalk board.
    Campus Life

    Op-Ed: I Was Let Down By UChicago’s Frivolous Academic Attitude

    Dana Lowitt / November 16, 2023

    Last night, I went to Fiji, took five shots, stumbled onto the dance floor, tied my feet to a length of rope, and bungee-jumped down the side of the building. Suffice to say,…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    RH’s Dog Overwhelmed From the Weight of Every Student’s Mental Well-Being

    Katherine Reynolds / November 14, 2023

    “It’s just too much of an emotional burden,” Lulu told the Dealer, “This one guy literally started sobbing when I let him rub my tummy. I may be cute, but that’s just not…

    read more
  • Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

    Disaster Strikes! Kid You Hate Still Goes Here

    Jackson Slipock / November 13, 2023

    Realistically, the dream that he would leave the school, or at least get thrown out the door of a plane, was unlikely. But did he really have to spawn right here, right now?…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    UCPD Arrests Peaceful Protesters: “The ‘Free Speech’ Thing Stops After 5:30”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / November 12, 2023

    This Thursday, UCPD arrested 25 students and two faculty members engaging in a peaceful sit-in inside Rosenwald. UChicago has long been a champion of free speech, except when it occurs after 5:30pm.  In…

    read more
  • Campus Life

    10 Things to Say When Someone Asks What You Did This Summer

    Maisie Thompson / November 8, 2023

    5. “I tried to apply for jobs but I spilled a huge cup of Dr. Pepper on my laptop.” Might as well be honest.

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
  • President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
  • Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
  • Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
  • Societie of Loyale British Subjekts Seen Counter-Protesting “No Kings” Rally
  • Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
  • Top 10 Places to Cry on Campus
  • House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
  • First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
  • Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains

Chicago Shady Dealer

  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions

Archives

Categories

For Writers

  • Log in
  • Entries feed
  • Comments feed
  • WordPress.org
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Instagram
© 2025 Chicago Shady Dealer
  • Home
  • About Us
  • Previous Issues
  • Our Greatest Hits
  • Submissions
Ashe Theme by WP Royal.