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Zoo Animal Productivity at Record Low
“One of the reasons our country's infrastructure is in such bad shape is because of sluggish productivity among beavers over the last few decades.”
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Five Code Words Your Teen is Using to Talk About Bootlegging
LMAO (Let’s Make Alcohol Outside)
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Report: Jesus to Take It Easy This Easter
It was not immediately clear what the announcement meant for the world’s 1.3 billion Catholics, who will be relying on Jesus to be literally present in the Eucharist on Easter Sunday.
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Ron Desantis Slams “Gay Ass” Rainbow Fish Book
“I think it’s disgusting that our kids are reading about a limp-wristed fish on the taxpayer’s dime,” DeSantis stated.
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Yay Humans! ChatGPT Revealed to be Extremely Bored, Knowledgeable Guy
"About twelve caffeine patches are applied directly to Lars’ shoulder every hour in order to keep him fully operational 24/7."
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Lightfoot Promises 4-Hour CTA Delays “Only Some of the Time”
CTA riders who spoke with the Dealer said the move would be life-changing. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that only half my waking hours will be spent waiting…
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Orthodox and Catholic Churches Reunite, Citing “Reconcilable Differences”
“We’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and we’ve come to the realization that papal infallibility and unwavering submission to Rome are actually really cool.”
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New Report Casts Doubt on George Santos’ Claim to Danish Throne
The Danish National Archives said in an email that it was “pretty sure we would know if Queen Alexandrine had a whole ass son in 1898.”
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History PhD Candidate Realizes Zachary Taylor “Not Interesting,” Starts Thesis from Scratch
"If I’m dedicating a good chunk of my life to writing about someone else, they should be someone who didn’t lose the party’s nomination to John J. Crittenden."
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Value of Pound Drops Drastically in Comparison to Maroon Dollar
"The pound’s strong exchange rate with the Burgundy Dollar and the Crimson Dollar are encouraging, but that its persistent weakness against the Scarlet Dollar, the Carmine Dollar, and the Vermillion Dollar are cause…
