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“Could You Clarify What You Mean by That?” Asks Professor Who Hates You
“I’m such a fucking idiot,” you told the Dealer. “I’m so fucking stupid and she knows it, and she wants me to know that she knows it, because she hates me. She hates…
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Scientists Admit Smoking Not Actually Bad for You: “We Just Wanted Attention”
"We made it up whole cloth, because we wanted to feel important, and to have people tell us how important we were, and how smart we were at science."
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Climate Scientists Urge Public to Stop Eating Ice Caps
While acknowledging that it was understandable that so many people were drawn to the crisp, pure, immaculate quality of the ice—“basically like the ice cubes in your freezer times a million”—the scientists warned…
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Five Things to Spend Your Money on Besides Blu-ray Copies of Ghost Rider 2
Unfortunately, all those boxes of Blu-ray can fill up your attic shockingly fast.
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Supreme Court Rules Fourth Amendment Intended Ironically
“A careful study of the debates surrounding the drafting of the Fourth Amendment reveals that the Framers of the Constitution wrote that particular provision in a bitingly sardonic mood,” Justice Clarence Thomas wrote.
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Reg to Throw Out “Old, Gross” Special Collections
“Thank God they’re getting rid of all that old stuff,” said Jennifer Gritter, a third-year majoring in history and Classical Studies. “I hate having something so dusty and decrepit on this campus. Good…
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Trump Pledges Political Foes Will Only Be “Lightly Tortured” in Second Term
“So we’re going to torture people a little, really it’s not so bad, waterboarding or cigarettes or with the electrodes, things of that nature, you have–who do you have–Sleepy Joe, remember him? Lightly…
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Harris and Trump Unveil Matching Tattoos in Show of Bipartisanship
In a dramatic display of national unity and bipartisanship, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump announced on Monday that they had gotten matching tattoos.
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First-Year’s Roommate Bears Suspiciously Striking Resemblance to D.B. Cooper
O’Higgins made the connection half an hour after meeting his roommate, who introduced himself as Brad Normal. “We were making small talk, just getting to know each other, when I thought, ‘Gee, he…
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Report: 2024-25 Not Your Year Either
“We’ve run over the data, and we can conclusively state that this just isn’t going to be your year,” said Brian Smith, some guy. “Much as you might hope that this year is…
