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Op-Ed: You’re Doing Everything Wrong Already
Sure, you attended the RSO fair, but what are you doing standing there reading satirical articles? Whatever you think we said in the app, don’t forget that our real job is getting you…
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Ranking RSOs Based on How Much Your Parents Approve
Kappa Theta Pi You told your parents you joined a frat, and they laughed. You go to your room and open up LeetCode. You’ll show them.
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Wow! First year Also From New York
Resident Head Dean Giommatti noted the convenience of this revelation. “Making friends in college can be hard, and so it’s a lot easier when you all went to high school together.”
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Conversation With Your Roommate’s Parents Extended Indefinitely
“To be honest, I haven’t really had a conversation with a stranger that lasted more than four minutes since that Home Depot employee caught me pilfering spackle in April,” Kyle told the Dealer…
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Missing: Half an Assistant
Last seen being sawed in half by one Harry Houdini, before announcing he would “make it disappear” to an enthralled audience.
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Op-Ed: What if We Hide in the Trees Instead of Marching in a Huge Formation?
We’re the ones defending our territory, so we know the place and everything. What if we hid everywhere and waited for them to come to us?
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Grunk Invent Weapon, Nation Frighten
“I important think to enforce natural monopoly.” Grunk threaten reporter. “Give berries or Grunk hit weapon.”
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Romanian Government Ranks Safest Campus Bathrooms
Normally known for announcing the official news of their country, this surprise list has been widely distributed throughout Hyde Park.
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Man Founds City of Pompeii in Scenic Location
“We pray that Vulcan will nourish our crops with the ash and keep us safe from any pumice-related troubles.”
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Nothing Happens in Tiananmen Square
This year was a big year for nothing happening. Notably, nothing happened in Germany either, where the Berlin Wall is still standing strong.
