7 Things to Post on Your Insta Story to Let Your High School Friends Know You Go to Alcohol Parties Now
1- A red solo cup
It doesn’t have to have alcohol in it, it’s more about the idea that you drink from red solo cups. Just like the movies, baby!
2- Your friends from college:
Keep repeating to yourself: you have friends at college. You have friends at college. You have friends at college. And if you spent all of O-Week sobbing in your dorm room, don’t worry, just Google “smiling happy teens” and post the first image that comes up. Pro tip: remove the Getty Images watermark for added realism.
3- You on the floor of a gender neutral bathroom, looking crunk as fuckkkkkkkkkk
Make sure you look properly disheveled; the more unflattering, the more realistic.
4- Drinking a single White Claw in the house lounge with the caption “menace hours”
This isn’t like high school menace hours; this is menace hours with White Claw Hard Seltzer Surge: Natural Lime, the menace hours drink for adults who people like and invite to parties.
5- A screenshot of a tweet that says “When you’re faded at the function and that one song comes on”
That way people will know that you were, at one point, faded at the function.
6- The Bean
Nothing says partying like the famous Chicago landmark “The Bean.” Bonus points if the picture includes a blurry reflection taken from the back camera of your IPhone 10..
7- The selfie you took inside a free Lyft on the way to Sig Chi
You’ve never looked more gorgeous, and never smelt more like Pink Whitney.
Maisie. Maisie is an editor-in-chief. Like a well-maintained orchid, Maisie will live indefinitely. "Reach for the stars, kid." -Maisie Thompson
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
