The Student Government elections are over, and the Shady Dealer has the scoop on the winners! In other news, we got arrested for breaking into the office of the Elections and Rules committee, so if anyone could bail us out, we’d really appreciate it.

Without further ado, here is your SG elect:

Four first years who will “bring a fresh approach”

The freshman class’s College Council seats went to a set of Campus North roommates who identified themselves as “Eeny, Meeny, Miny, and Mo”. The four spoke in a collective, unbroken monotone to Dealer reporters: “We promise to bring new ideas to student government,” they droned. “We’ll bring a fresh approach influenced by our unique background as New Yorkers from the Upper East Side. It’ll be fun.”

The current student government president (but with a fake mustache)

Apparently, the current SG president had a great time student-governing this past year, because someone who looks a lot like him — only with a mustache and a broad French accent — was elected to a new term. When confronted with allegations that he was the same person as the current SG president, the candidate denied, saying “Zis is reediculous, ze former guy has le mustache.”

Guy who read “The Prince” by Machiavelli and made it his personality

Second year REDACTED REDACTED-REDACTED Jr ran for the Class of 2024 College Council on a simple platform dedicated to honoring the world’s greatest, whitest minds. Considering himself to be a new, handsome boy prince in the landscape of the University of Chicago’s student government elections, REDACTED-REDACTED Jr has made some surprisingly good points, but mostly bad ones, saying that his would not be a popular administration, but the shuttles would always be on time.

Six squirrels in a trench coat

Together, they were the height of a small child. We chased after them on the quad for a solid hour, but eventually concluded that they weren’t interested in an interview.

Mitt Romney’s prized race horse

The horse (I-Utah) is known to answer yes or no questions by tapping his hooves, and had a memorable moment in the SG debates where he performed his special talent: eating a large amount of plants in thirty seconds. Also, he can run nearly as quickly as something really fast, like, say, a horse.

Some gamers

Gamer nation has united behind a Max Palevsky second-year who promises to bring awareness to the plight of gamers and gamer-adjacent individuals. “Gamers have been subjugated for years,” he explained, “specifically, by the lack of UChicago student government representatives who enjoy gaming.” When told that several former student reps were known to enjoy Minecraft, he responded “that’s not the same thing, and you know it.”