To our dozens of readers, both old and new, Welcome, we’re glad to have you. Ernest Hemingway once said “There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed,” and oh how heavy our flow has been Mr. Hemingway. So pass us a tampon and call us Bloody Mary, because we’ve got some quality writing inside these here pages. We realize that there are lots of places on campus you could have chosen to get a much needed dopamine hit after a long day, and we’re glad that we, your ever-loyal Dealer, still have your business.  Speaking of business, a new school year is…

First years, welcome to UChicago! We can’t wait to have you and hope that the next four to six years of your life will be as enlightening and exciting as ours have been. Before you get ahead of ourselves, we wanted to take a moment to recognize how far you guys have come since your acceptance. To that end, we’re going to where it all started: awkward Facebook intros. Luckily, one of you was kind enough to volunteer your intro to us, so read on and get to know one of your fellow classmates!  “Hey guys what up, my name is Sauron and I’m so excited to be joining the…

It’s 2019 and Ash has finally became the champion of the Pokémon League, but the University of Chicago has once again been denied the coveted title of the #1 ranking among U.S. universities. We, the crack-fueled investigative staff here at The Shady Dealer, have set out to determine why UChicago could not be the very best, like no one ever was. Here are our findings. Some people interviewed by Shady Dealer staff cited outlandish reasons for UChicago’s loss, chief among them the frantic desire to increase selectivity and a system that fails to adequately staff counseling services despite placing students under a huge amount of mental and emotional pressure. However,…

The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in high school. We know you’ve heard it a million times before, but please be safe this O-week. We trust that y’all know to always ask for informed consent and to wear condoms, but there’s something your prestigious private high school’s sex ed didn’t teach you: PEE! AFTER! SEX!  Listen, I can’t stress this enough. Your sexual health and wellness depends on this simple tip. Fucking pee after sex! It’s that simple, you lil shit. You think your…

Scientists this week announced the results of their groundbreaking study on bed-making at the Chicago Decision Research Lab. The study, which lasted for over a decade and measured factors such as overall orderliness, friendliness, and student success after graduation, concluded decisively that people who manage to make their beds every day during college and beyond are, in fact, jackasses.  “The numbers simply don’t lie,” said Dr. Jennifer Wheatley, senior researcher at the CDRL and head of the study. “Students who not only get out of bed every day but also maintain their childhood regimens of bed-making into adulthood are just the worst kind of people.” In interviews with subjects who…

Chicago, IL-  Amid the chaos and anxiety of move in day, local dad Steve Cooper remembered to make time for what was really important– that is, making sure to introduce himself to all the parents of students whom his son Brian would eventually disappoint sexually. “I’m really proud of Brian and what he’s accomplished, so sure, maybe I embarrass him a little,“ said Mr. Cooper. ”I just want to get to know the other parents, y’know?” he went on to add, “I like to ask them about their kids, the usual stuff. Like where they went to school, what they want to study, and why Brian will never be enough…

We’ve all been there: it’s O-Week and you’re having dinner at your house table. The food is feeling especially Bartlett-y today. You ask your RH to pass you the salt for some much needed flavour, and then two fatal words slip out of your mouth “Thanks, Mom.” The dining hall goes quiet.  What do you do?    Pretend like nothing ever happened  Easier said than done. When we say pretend like nothing happened, we mean nothing. Forever. This is an all out ghosting of the next four years of your college experience. You’ll take a vow of silence, wear a burlap sack over your body and only eat jello out…

When Billy Bob Worthington got off the greyhound bus straight from his sleepy little town in Midtown Manhattan, he could hardly believe his eyes. “Awww shucks, the Big City at last!” He proclaimed loudly as he gazed upon the Chicago skyline, never before having seen such a vibrant and majestic metropolis. “Whoooweee, I gotta tell mama about this!” He yelled out of excitement, waving his stick-bag holding all of his belongings in a red napkin high above his head.  Billy Bob, born William Robert Worthington the 3rd to a powerful New York business magnate and his wife, was just a regular old country boy who was finally gonna chase his…

Disturbing reports out of Wendt house reveal that House O-Aide Kevin has succumbed to the allure of his office and gone mad with power. Kevin, who was chosen as an O-Aide for his approachability and “kind smile” has turned out to be a petulant tyrant whose only wish is to lord over incoming students and isn’t afraid to use the full powers of his week-long appointment to enforce his will. Kevin was previously known in the house for being a reasonable, level-headed young man whose helpfulness was only exceeded by his desire to make everyone feel welcome and at ease. But sources close to Kevin have disclosed that when he…