Chicago Shady Dealer


The start of college is a wonderful time of exploration and growth. For many, it’s their first time to let loose. If you go here, you certainly didn’t get invited to parties in high school. We know you’ve heard it a million times before, but please be safe this O-week. We trust that y’all know to always ask for informed consent and to wear condoms, but there’s something your prestigious private high school’s sex ed didn’t teach you: PEE! AFTER! SEX! 

Listen, I can’t stress this enough. Your sexual health and wellness depends on this simple tip. Fucking pee after sex! It’s that simple, you lil shit. You think your eighteen year old body is immune to the transfer of bacteria from intercourse? You think that you’ll never be the one whose pee-pee burns when she has to tinkle because that’s only for Slutty McSlutfaces. It’s time for some tough love bombs, my beautiful sugar plum! The microbes wiggling into your urethra don’t give two shits about how unpromiscuous you think you are. I’m telling you this because I love you and because you’re gonna piss blood if you aren’t careful. Please, please, please pee after sex. 

Sis, we’ve all been there. We’ve all sat next to the door in lecture, clutching our cranberry juice like a cross. We’ve all googled how many Azostat pills you can take before you die while sobbing in a pile of Ocean Spray from Bartmart. Take it from someone who is older and wiser: you gotta evacuate your bladder after you do the nasty, my majestic little munchkins. Love yourself, drink plenty of water, and PEE AFTER SEX. 

Hugs and kisses, 


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