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After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”
The text reportedly opens five years after the events of the first book, and follows Jorge Jorwell, karate master and secret revolutionary leader who’s also really hot and has a lot of sex.
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Stephen Cole Kleene Invents Formal Languages, Causing War
Kleene has already had an established career inventing mind-boggling mathematical concepts to demonstrate his non-existent narcissism, such as the Kleene closure, and Kleene algebra.
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UChicago Admin in Panic Mode After Mysterious Disappearance of the Vitality Crystals
When asked to comment on the reported theft, President Paul Alivisatos told The Dealer, “No! No! No! No! No! No! Leave me alone! Leave me alone! I can’t hear you, leave me alone!”
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White House Rushes to Explain Correlation Not Causation Following JD Vance Pope Visit
In response to the rumors, President Donald Trump tweeted: “Vance is FINE! We threw some Trump Holy Water™ on him. Trump Holy Water™ is on sale now! 10% off with a special code…
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Interview: Debate Over Politics Blossoms Into Lifelong Friendship
"Our argument was full of gotchas and strawmen and random factoids that could plausibly be traced to some website or social media post we looked at. There were no contentions, structure, rebuttals, or…
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Citizen App Provides Notice About Hyde Park Crimes: Dog Poop on Sidewalk, Premarital Handholding
Throughout the day, Hyde Park residents were notified of further incidents such as “group of preteens in park,” “car playing rap music,” and “student 3 minutes late to return charger to Regenstein Tech…
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Harper Releases New Specialty Drinks
#2 - Indie Street Cred: a pressed vinyl copy of MJ Lenderman’s Manning Fireworks ground up and blended into a cappuccino. Choke it down like the cool guy you are.
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New Printing Software Tells You Exactly How Many Trees You Killed, You Fascist
The Dealer interviewed the new printing software, PaperCut MF (PaperCut, MotherFucker). “That SOSC assignment? The one that’s only a few pages? BAM! That’s 0.0003% of a REAL TREE, you MONSTER!”
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Update: President Trump Places 35% Tariff on Water; Aquaman Responds
Economists were befuddled, given that there is no known trade between Atlantis and the United States. In fact, the U.S. is still unsure exactly where Atlantis is.
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Oops! Your Participation Grade Is Actually 99%, and You’ve Barely Gone to Class! 5 Tips to Gaslight Your Instructor
The soon-to-be defunded research and development team of the Shady Dealer is here with some helpful advice to save your grade! Please use these tips responsibly and under no circumstances tell anyone where…
