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Student Tour Guide Fired for Just Making Shit Up About Gargoyles
In an exclusive interview, Myers told The Dealer, “I got tired of walking backwards, wildly gesticulating, explaining that I personally picked this school because my dad went here, and telling prospective students that…
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UChicago Med Vows to Speed Up Cancer Growth Unless $100 Million Is Donated to Free Speech
When pressed for comment, the Free Speech program's director offered a cryptic defense. "Cancer grows, just like ideas. It’s a metaphor. Or maybe it’s not. You decide—that's free speech in action.”
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UChicago Establishes Center for the Investigation of the Pursuit of Knowledge, Happiness and Success
Using empirical methods and qualitative analysis inspired by the teachings of Aristotle, a team of researchers will determine the best, most virtuous way to live.
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Woodlawn Pooper Strikes Again – Will Work on Building His Own Type of Bomb
“Is it performance art? Is it a protest? Or does he just really hate indoor plumbing?” mused one sociology professor, who plans to write a paper titled Defecation and Devastation: Urban Anarchy in…
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Trump Nominates Dracula To Lead Department of Blood
“He’s a really great man. I really trust him," said President-Elect Trump. "He has great tastes, the best tastes. I wouldn’t trust any other vampire with my blood."
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High School Hustler Applies ED to Electoral College
Rimmer, who had a higher GPA (normal and weighted) than you and an immaculate 36 on the ACT, was unfortunately rejected from the Electoral College because he lacked any experience with a major…
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Midterms, in Fact, Mid
Following a university-wide poll, our researchers at The Dealer have come to the conclusion that midterms have been mediocre all around.
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Op Ed: New Option For College Council Voting – Vote For Everyone!
You did the right thing and made everyone feel good! You might even receive a “I Voted!” badge for your efforts.
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Reg to Throw Out “Old, Gross” Special Collections
“Thank God they’re getting rid of all that old stuff,” said Jennifer Gritter, a third-year majoring in history and Classical Studies. “I hate having something so dusty and decrepit on this campus. Good…
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“We Don’t Know Why We’re Out of Money,” Says Uchicago Admin Poorly Hiding Mountain of Pickles
“Pickles? In the reading rooms? Noooooooooo,” said Dean Melina Hale upon questioning. She then proceeded to shout, “They’re onto us!” into a walkie-talkie before running away.
