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RFK Jr. Launches Promotional Tour for Polio: “It’s Really Not That Bad!”
"Polio shouldn’t be demonized just for the paralysis and the killing. Who even remembers that? The last time someone died of polio was like ten months ago.”
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Nation Distraught as Scientists Say Blue Apples Won’t Be Available Until 2029
During a press conference early Tuesday morning, Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration Sara Brenner admitted that the lifelong dream of all Americans, to have blue apples, will be delayed until…
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Trump Tells Obama He’s “Not Looking for Anything Serious” as Relationship Rumors Swirl
At 2:02 am on January 11th, Instagram records show that an account linked to Obama liked a post made by Trump in 2011, before quickly un-liking the post seconds later.
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Climate Scientists Urge Public to Stop Eating Ice Caps
While acknowledging that it was understandable that so many people were drawn to the crisp, pure, immaculate quality of the ice—“basically like the ice cubes in your freezer times a million”—the scientists warned…
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Freshman Discovers New Theorem Explaining Why You Always See Your Opps in A-Level
There are 4 key study spots on campus (A Level, Harper, Mansueto, and all other floors of the Reg) and you know more than 4 people, so at least 1 of them must…
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UChicago Launches Puppy Killing Prevention Institute, Funded by John D. PuppyKiller
“While our legacy is defined by immolating, decapitating, drowning, and otherwise exterminating puppies with maximum prejudice, we recognize the need to change the narrative. We’re exploring the feasibility of potentially considering alternatives—someday.”
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Breaking News: North Resident Transferred to I-House
After a thorough psychological evaluation of the student, Housing & Residence Life approved the request.
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“Who is Dean Boyer?” asks confused First Year
“I just saw a Sidechat post about a bicycle. Who is Dean Boyer? Is he like a student or something?”
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People Magazine Reports No Celebrities Have Drama This Week
"Celebrities have altogether stopped cheating on each other, getting caught in embarrassing moments with paparazzi, or even making mildly controversial clothing choices on the red carpet."
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“A Confusing Day for the Truth” – Shady Dealer Bid to Purchase The Thinker Put on Hold
Previously, the Dealer, the only source of legitimate news in this hemisphere, had been declared the winner of an Eka House-sponsored auction to acquire the Thinker, its erstwhile competitor, beating out shadowy shell…
