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Midwave Radio Devastated at a Somehow Negative Listener Count
“It doesn’t make any sense at all,” said Midwave station director Katherine Perth, “There’s no glitch in our analytics software. Somehow, in real life, the opposite of 4 people are listening to our…
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Non-Stem Majors Cheat in Weird Moon Class
Naturally, some acts of dishonesty were more reprehensible than others. One anonymous third-year who majors in East Asian Languages and Culture and lives in Room 312 in Flint house in Max P stated,…
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Op-Ed From Dean Hale: UChicago Launches Study Abroad Program in I-House
Since the undergraduate student body clearly seems to be lacking cultural refinement, I have decided to extend your Core Curriculum requirements by adding a mandatory quarter abroad. It is therefore my great pleasure…
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UChicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
Will Tackleman, club rugby’s fourth-year captain, said, “Most of us have never played football before, but we thought this would be a good team-building event for the guys.”
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Student Dressed as “Fun” Found Dead Inside Reg B Level
Students were shocked to see paramedics so late on Halloween as the ambulance arrived at the Regenstein library at 11am. Students skipping their 8 and 9:30 am classes interrupted their cognitive haze to…
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UChicago’s Most Eligible Bachelor Found to be “Escaped Specimen” From UChicago Medicine
The women of UChicago were in for a sexy surprise Thursday when “Dangred McPhee,” a human-like bird, escaped from his research enclosure.
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House Misses Apple Season, Forced to Go Rutabaga Picking
As the RA Bob McSchmob explained in his introductory email, this is “the Disneyland of Rutabaga picking in Wisconsin! We’ve got Alta-Sweet, Improved Long Island, and even some Granny Jones Rutabagas! Even though…
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UChicago Login Systems Switch From Duo to Trio
First year Micah Powell called the changes “ridiculous.” “There’s no reason the login needs to be this difficult. I went to the tech help desk at the Reg and they told me to…
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First-Year Enchanted by Dead Gazes of Grad Students in Lab
First-year biology major Ann Bitious was delighted to find that the graduate students in the lab she joined as an undergraduate research assistant possessed the dead gazes and exhausted slumps she had hoped…
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World Leaders Pledge to Kill Last Black Rhino by 2030
The announcement has prompted some pushback from conservation groups. "We can all agree that black rhinos kind of suck," said Adil Najam, President of the World Wide Fund for Nature. "Like, what's with…
