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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The White on White Crimes You Need to Know

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deb Mukerjee Jan. 29, 2018 Losing your friends in the snow Look, it happens. It’s cold and windy and we’re all wearing four pairs of pants and scarves over our seeing sockets.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Seven Healthy Butter Substitutes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Megan Parsons Jan. 29, 2018 Hey there, everyone, Megan here, aka Meg, aka Super Mommy. Trying to eat healthier in 2018? Have no fear! Eating well can be daunting, but these seven…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Horoscopes: Marxist Tattoo Edition

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 Ready to show off your everlasting love for your SOSC buddy, Marx? Here’s your guide to picking the commie tattoo that best represents you! Aries: Adam Smith’s…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Zero Waste Redemption: How I Fit a Year of My Trash in a Mason Jar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 When I went zero waste at the beginning of 2017, I wasn’t just embarking on a fresh start: I was literally running from the law! I needed…

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  • Lifestyle

    Hot New Trend! Steaming Your Vag

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Jan. 30, 2018 American actress and professional white woman Gwyneth Paltrow created quite the splash in 2015 when she promoted vaginal steaming, a controversial Los Angeles spa treatment. Personally endorsed by…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Ask Student Health!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Student Health Services and Student Counseling Services Jan. 30, 2018 Introducing “Ask Student Health!,” a weekly feature wherein UChicago’s very own physicians and counselors answer your health and wellness questions! After your…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Opinion: Veganism is a Spectrum

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Jan. 30, 2018 Meat, cheese, eggs, gummy bears, honey, gummy bear-shaped jars of honey: these are just a few common food items that are not considered “vegan” by the masses.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Baffling Contraptions Your Roommate is Using to Hog the Outlets

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Thomas Noriega Jan. 30, 2018 1. The Glow-Box During the day, it’s just another box plugged into your shared surge protector, but at night, it radiates an eerie blue glow directly into…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Art-Based Therapies You Will Love

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reva and David Logan Center for the Arts Jan. 30, 2018 Tired of all the hard work? Looking for a way to unwind this winter quarter? Then be sure to drop by…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Homeopathic Breakthrough! “Expired Advil”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Milena Pross Jan. 30, 2018 Throw all your arnica out the window and flush your chamomile down the toilet, folks! The doctors and doctors-adjacent just found the coolest new salve Gwyneth won’t…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

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  • Study Reveals 90% of Group Project Work Done by One Sad Student
  • Bartlett to Follow Agriculture Department Advice: Meals to Feature Tortilla, Broccoli, and Maybe Chicken
  • Parents Befriend Student’s Least Favorite Professor During Model Class
  • Trump to fire all Via drivers amid government shutdown
  • CTA Transit Bill Stalls Over Whether Chartreuse or Magenta Is Better Name for Line
  • Point: I Want a Situationship / Counterpoint: I Think I’m in Love with Her
  • I only know Jeffrey, WHO THE FUCK IS MARK EPSTEIN?
  • 6 moral systems that say it’s okay for me to work for Raytheon
  • Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair

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