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Campus Circles of Hell
By Nico Aldape and Teddy Zamborsky May 14, 2016 First Circle (Limbo): Your Room Technically, yYour humble abode, ayet another reminder of both sleep and toil, your room cannot be pinned down as…
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Jeb and Hillary Launch New Line of Cooking Utensils
By Paul Alves May 14, 2016 Jeb! and Hillary Clinton have announced a joint effort to stop the political momentum of Donald Trump: a brand new campaign cooking line. This line of accoutrements will help…
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Mansueto Pregnant
By Morgan Pantuck May 14, 2016 The University is extremely pleased to announce that the Mansueto Library is currently expecting her first child. Rumors have been circulating for some time about Manseuto’s “[baby]…
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People In Lounge Going to Pretend Kid Didn’t Just Fart
By Jacob Levin May 14, 2016 According to sources close to the Shady Dealer, people of the Vincent House lounge silently and unanimously voted to say nothing about the massive fart unleashed by…
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Fuckboy Quits Scav After Failing to Find Clitoris
By Jacob Johnson May 14, 2016 After four long days of searching high and low for every item on the Sscav Hunt list (no matter how bizarre), local fuckboyi Ryan “Swag” Firmanratman was…
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BREAKING: Your Lab Partner Said Oops
By Morgan Pantuck May 16, 2016 In a terrifying moment that will surely haunt you for years to come, your biochemistry lab partner and resident imbecile Jason Lieberman just said the word “oops”…
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First Year Was Fun, But Not as Fun as Space Mountain
By Nik Varley May 16, 2016 It feels like yesterday that my parents dropped me off into my new life at the University of Chicago. I remember being filled with nervous excitement that…
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143 Likes on Facebook? This Wasn’t Worth Writing a Thesis For
By Chase Harrison May 16, 2016 8 months. 40 books. 9 drafts. 30 meetings with my advisersor. 9 all– nighters. 90 pages. And all I get are 143 likes on Facebook. Are you…
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Area Student Fantasizes About Mean Course Evaluation
By Morgan Pantuck May 30, 2016 According to those familiar with the situation, area student Margaret Ennis has been experiencing a highly erotic fantasy wherein she writes a mean course evaluation for her…
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President Zimmer Requests Safe Space from Concerns of Students, Workers
By Breck Radulovic June 8, 2016 In a statement regarding the pending disciplinary action against a student protester, President Robert Zimmer expressed his desire to keep the University of Chicago campus a safe…
