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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Historical Issue

    5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 24, 2025

    "1. Powder your nose: There’s nothing hotter than a woman with a really white, powdery nose."

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 20, 2025

    De Beauvoir’s fans were particularly excited for this book, as this would be a fitting end to de Beauvoir’s Sex trilogy. 

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 16, 2025

    “You need my support, but I cannot give it with words. Your efforts transcend words. And thus, I have brought something else here, to reinvigorate this battleground.” 

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 15, 2025

    The sound is entirely too breathy, and the affection is not sufficiently stately enough for a grand party of these four-and-twenty states of America!

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 11, 2025

    My cough is entirely gone, but I am having a bit of trouble seeing the newspaper. The paper boy got me right between the eyes and I just kind of stood there for…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 9, 2025

    Lord Byron swears he wrote “She Walks In Beauty” about your wife three years before ever meeting her.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    SSRIs Cure Great Depression

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 5, 2025

    “The problem is that everyone is sad,” said Council for International Economists chairman John Maynard Keynes. “If everyone were happy, people would buy stuff and the economy would be good. But everyone is…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 3, 2025

    Every morning, you all crowd down to Canary Wharf to look for work, and often, you are offered a job. And what a job it is! Unburdened by skill, or artisanship, you can…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds

    Chicago Shady Dealer / July 1, 2025

    “There’s no way one of those dastardly machines can replace one o’ us!” said Johnny Cross, a ten-year-old orphan in the workhouse.

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg

    Chicago Shady Dealer / June 30, 2025

    “Zis is zee greatest honor a man can be given,” said Crashenblimpen, “I am compliment zat zis vill not be an ironic coincidence years on.”

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Get Your my.UChicago Data Off the Dark Web in Five Easy Steps
  • Twelve Ways to React When Someone Says Something You Disagree With in Class
  • Analyzing Melina Hale’s Welcome Video for Avant-Garde Sensibilities
  • It’s Springtime! Flowers to Sniff, Poke, and Potentially Buy
  • Duo Authentication Requires New Blood, Urine, and STD Test Sample to Verify Identity; Most People Fail
  • Maroon Wins Pulitzer Prize for “Courageous” Reporting on Reg Bathroom Closure
  • Odyssey Scholars Program replaced by David Rubenstein Sugar Baby Program
  • An Open Letter to My Professors: If Congress Can Take a Vacation When They Have Work to Do, Why Can’t I?
  • Point: Dining halls should strive to incorporate healthier cereals. Counterpoint: You can pry the Lucky Charms out of my cold, dead hands, bitch!
  • President Trump Declared Dead after Not Posting on Truth Social for 5 Seconds

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