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An Open Letter to My House Wellczar
By Abigail Fitsworth Feb. 18, 2016 Dear Sir or Madam: Upon moving into residential housing as a first year, I was delighted to learn about the existence of “Wellczars,” such as yourself, whose…
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Frat Charges Guys $5 at Door to Correct for Income Inequality
By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Like most fraternities on campus, PsiU’s Friday night party “90’s” themed party forced guys to pay $5 at the door, while girls got in for free. Howeverver,…
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Bernie Sanders Now 90% Meme
By Adam Lowinger Feb. 18, 2016 In light of Senator Bernie Sanders’ recent success among the younger voters demographics, High-upsenior members of the Sanders cCampaign staff have begun to notices changes in thethe…
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Mitt Romney Still Cries Self to Sleep at Night
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 18, 2016 The 2012 election haunts many of us, but no one more so than former Massachusetts governor Willard Mitt Romney. Tormented by his loss to President Barack…
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How to Use a Study Room You Haven’t Reserved
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 18, 2016 Step 1: Be Confident. Using a group room for individual study is an exercise in confidence. Maybe you belong there, maybe you don’t. Fake it till you…
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Tumblr About to Get Really into Alchemy
By Teddy Zamborsky Feb. 18, 2016 Sources close to tThe Dealer confirmed today that several prominent Tumblr users plan t to spend the better part of 2016 really getting into alchemy. The curator…
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Creepy: Scientists Have Created a Marco Rubio with Sentience
By Daniel Ruttenberg Feb. 18, 2016 Has science gone too far this time? Researchers in the Department of Computer Science at the University of Chicago have created a new model of Marco Rubio…
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Bio-Curious Student Registers for Genetics Class
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 18, 2016 Second-year and self-described “bio-curious” student Jenny Anderson was seen earlier this week registering for BIOS 11128, an introductory biology course for non-majors. Anderson, 19, told the Dealer…
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Report: 80% of all SOSC Students Are White Guys with Tortoise Shell Glasses
By Chase Harrison Feb. 18, 2016 Despite overall campus diversity statistics , a recent study by the Shady Dealer revealed that 80% of the people in your students in SOSC classes, college-wide, are…
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Torrented New Kanye Album Ruled Best Virus Of All Time
By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 19, 2016 After searching through pirating websites desperately this Sunday for Kanye’s new album to download illegally through their chosen torrent client, critics agree that Kanye’s The Life of…
