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White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
“I would never accept one of Jeff’s UGLY bracelets,” Trump wrote on Tuesday. “He was ALWAYS trying to pawn those pieces of CRAP (pardon my language!) off on everybody even though NOBODY WANTED…
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Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
Each VR set includes a vacuum hose attached to its headset, which has the ability to “suck” animals through a hose and into the game—a necessity if the player wishes to craft.
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Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
The Dealer is proud to announce its newest product: single-use light bulbs.
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UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
In a move to close its growing $288 million budget deficit, the University of Chicago has announced a new tiered library access system, Library+.
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Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
We’re all college students. We’re perfectly aware that the BEEP BEEP BEEP of the fire alarm means “GET OUTSIDE YOU UTTER IMBECILE” or “FRED FORGOT TO ADD WATER TO THE MAC AND CHEESE…
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Apply for the Royal Internship
Applicants must be at least 33% inbred.
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Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
To cut costs, Molecular Engineering professors were rushed to the scene in lieu of real civil engineers.
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“Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting
“It’s been neat playing around with this whole ‘expanding your capacity to engage critically with challenging ideas’ and ‘deepening your understanding of your role in an ever-changing world’ routine, but it’s time to…
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In Addition to Fluoridated Water
Brominated Water - Is down to party this weekend and plans to major in Econ.
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Peer Mentor “Thrilled” for Group Meeting, Spends 45 Minutes on a Lonely Zoom Call
"I think I'll give them a few more minutes," Francisco murmured to the empty screen. He took a sip of lukewarm coffee and practiced once more his opening line, "Hey everyone, so glad…
