• MEETING INFO: Thursdays, 6 pm, Harper 145.
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Editors in Chief

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Managing Editor

Antonia Romm

Deputy Managing Editor

Katherine Timm

Layout Editor

Shayaan Gandhi

Photo Editor

Maddy Boneck

Copy Editor

Matilda Robinson

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

read more
November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

read more
November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

read more
October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

read more
December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

read more
January 5, 2023
  • Politics,  Scientific Excellence

    Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders

    Katherine Reynolds / December 9, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life

    10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved

    Clara Pressey / November 20, 2025
    read more
  • 8=Democracy,  Politics

    Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants

    Griffin Bonnin Jones / November 19, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life,  Scientific Excellence

    Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg

    Jack Segil / November 15, 2025
    read more
  • Politics

    Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes

    Vivian Psylos / November 13, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life

    President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report

    Elliot Florack / November 12, 2025
    read more
  • Politics

    Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal

    Chase Teichholz / November 11, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life,  Oh the Places You'll Go!

    Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week

    Matilda Robinson / November 10, 2025
    read more
  • Issues,  Politics

    Societie of Loyale British Subjekts Seen Counter-Protesting “No Kings” Rally

    Katherine Timm / November 9, 2025
    read more
  • Campus Life,  Issues

    Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking

    Katherine Timm / November 5, 2025
    read more
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