By Chicago Shady Dealer Feb. 1, 2015 In order to best serve the needs of the University of Chicago community, the Dealer has decided to publish weekly news briefs in addition to its…

By Egyptian Holy Council Feb. 1, 2015 1) My cat. 2) Your cat. 3) My mom’s cat. 4) Your mom’s cat. 5) Ricky’s cat. 6) That weird cat. 7) Seriously, all the cats.…

By Dan Lastres Feb. 2, 2015 LOUISVILLE MAY 18, 2218 — Disaster struck yesterday at the 344th annual Kentucky Derby when one of the galloping equine cyborgs malfunctioned and exploded just 30 seconds…

By Dan Lastres Feb. 2, 2015 HOLLYWOOD Jan. 17, 2122 Hollywood’s brightest stars gathered last Sunday for a week-long celebration of Betty White’s 200th birthday, in what was described as “the happenenist, slammenest”…

By Matt Goldenberg Feb. 24, 2015 In a surprise press conference that took place just hours before polls opened, the City of Chicago has announced the results of the mayoral election. The election…

By Evan Bernstein March 1, 2015 Oh boy oh boy oh boy! Sources close to bursting from excitement report that it’s March! The sources, who wished to remain forever young and free, went…

By [email protected] March 1, 2015 Stop reading this article right now if u read it to the end you will be CURSED. Morgan was a newspaper editor who killed herself Twenty years ago…

By Dan Lastres March 1, 2015 I met my contact in the dark alcove between Harper and Stuart. Vance was a well-dressed guy with an over-waxed mustache. I tried to shake his hand,…

By Milena Pross March 1, 2015 The “Fundamentals: Issues and Texts” concentration is an interdisciplinary program in which a student poses a question about human existence and spends the next three years attempting…

By Barry March 1, 2015 Guys, sex is like pizza: even when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good. You know what I mean? Every time I’ve had sex in the past, I was…