"We made it up whole cloth, because we wanted to feel important, and to have people tell us how important we were, and how smart we were at science."

During a press conference early Tuesday morning, Acting Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration Sara Brenner admitted that the lifelong dream of all Americans, to have blue apples, will be delayed until…

While acknowledging that it was understandable that so many people were drawn to the crisp, pure, immaculate quality of the ice—“basically like the ice cubes in your freezer times a million”—the scientists warned…

In a collaboration between the I Promise We’re Ethical and the Please Don’t Sue Us Research Centers, scientists have invented Legit, a machine that can perfectly clone a human.

On Wednesday, the University’s Chemistry Department announced a new major requirement for its students: shorthand. While this note-taking technique admittedly disappeared forty years ago, the department is excited about the prospects this change…

This issue has become endemic in the United States due to Congress's firm stance that women do not poop, leaving around 1 in 3 American women to experience hot girl shit in their…

Dealer reporters found the project leads furiously consulting a thesaurus for more words to describe their ‘indescribably advanced’ breakthrough. At press time, the researchers had added “machine learning”, “crypto”, and “gigahertz” to their…

"About twelve caffeine patches are applied directly to Lars’ shoulder every hour in order to keep him fully operational 24/7."

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) released a statement last night stating that in addition to the flu-like symptoms, COVID vaccines can also lead to feelings of complete ecstasy and otherworldliness.

Administration initially expressed concern over students leaving campus during the week of March 22 (recently coined “Spring Break”). “To keep students here, we may have to restrict access to the Maroon to devices…