I am a journalist, goddammit. Sure, every once in a while I recklessly endanger 654,965 lives. Doesn’t everyone?

Another resolution under consideration by the General Assembly proposes a battle royale between all national leaders, with the winner crowned Emperor of Earth.

Obama’s appearance has him join a long and distinguished list of UChicago Chemisty Professors who just don’t give a fuck.

Max Palevsky residents reportedly have not noticed the garish and colorful portraits which, according to one Graham House resident, “actually blend in really well with our haunted circus color scheme.”

The debt ceiling, recently breached by the US national debt, was finally brought down by an explosion which the Pentagon believes to be a deliberate attack.

CTA riders who spoke with the Dealer said the move would be life-changing. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that only half my waking hours will be spent waiting…

“We’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and we’ve come to the realization that papal infallibility and unwavering submission to Rome are actually really cool.”

I really just wanted to put ‘Speaker of College Council’ on my LinkedIn.

According to Capitol Hill sources, McCarthy is currently meeting with the remaining twenty Republican holdouts. Large carts of pizza were wheeled into the meeting room, pushed by suspiciously scantily-clad male servers.