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You don’t really have a dairy allergy, have you tried meditation?
Come on sweetie, you don’t look lactose intolerant! You’re not really lactose intolerant, you’re probably just faking so you get more bathroom breaks. Your poops are liquid? Like an old Philadelphia roll from Shinju, this…
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After Dropping Out of Democratic Primary, Mayor Pete Sees Rise In Black Support
“This is the first good decision he’s made on behalf of the black community,” said longtime Hyde Parker Marshall Jackson. “Now that he’s out of the race, I could see myself giving him…
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Counterpoint: I Use Cursive Every Day
The Boomers say cursive is dead. The millennials say cursive is useless. But I, a lonely sapiosexual, say cursive is life. I like imagining the way cursive was invented. One day, someone…
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Dealer Music Review: “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”
What happens when a girl loves America’s pastime so much she insists that all of her dates be at sporting events? Lyricist Jack Norwood and composer Albert Von Tisler give us the answer…
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Fourth Year Math Major Forgets How to Read
What had previously been considered an un-losable skill, like riding a bike or swimming, has for the first time been proven to be losable. This past Monday, Ican Add became the first person…
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New Company Sells T-Shirts to Spread Awareness of Coronavirus and Actual Coronavirus
Willy Creech, founder and CEO of “COVID CASUAL,” a West Virginia-based startup, is causing panic in the fashion world as he continues to eat up market share for streetwear. We were lucky enough…
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NEW! Duck Dynasty Inspired Line of Canada Goose Winter Parkas!
Are you a person from the “square states” who wants to show off your newfound wealth without “losing touch with your roots”? Did you just win the lottery or inherit money from your…
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Phil (the Phoenix) Starts Fire
Another $300 million down the drain, and the big question that remains is this: whose idea it was to care for a dying phoenix in a bustling hospital? (It’s almost as if nobody…
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Godot? I’m Still Waiting
It has been twenty days, ten hours, and seventeen minutes since I was promised Godot. I have not left Logan’s Theater West since the show began, ended, began again, ended once more, and…
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Hyde Park Community Crowdsources Counseling
Following the tragic cancellation of Pet Love for the second quarter in a row, the Hyde Park community pulled through to make their own crowdsourced Pet Love. Tens of Hyde Park residents brought…
