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Uchicago Football Loses to Club Rugby
UC Men’s Rugby managed to kick a field goal and win the game 3-0. A wide receiver, who wished to remain anonymous, blamed varsity football’s multitude of dropped passes on the fact that…
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UChicago Gambling Club Wins Big
“It’s well known that 99% of gamblers quit right before they win big. $10,000 is quite big, but $10,000,000 is even bigger”, UChicago Gambling Club president, Adam Rouletteman, stated after the victory.
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Woodlawn to Require Students to Name 3 Brothers at the Front Desk
“Woodlawn Residential Commons is a place for students to feel welcome, and is often in very high demand for students to enter, especially on the weekends. We know our building is sought after…
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Reg to Be Painted Yellow in Honor of Corn
The plan will require 36 painters, 5 months, 4 million dollars, and will make the weird glass library from Divergent look like a seasonal vegetable. UChicago has recently faced many public accusations of…
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College Unveils New “Indecisive” Major
At long last, The University acknowledges these students, hears their soft-spoken, noncommittal cries, and answers with a major tailored to their majorlessness: The Indecisive Major.
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Earth as a Planet Students Accused of Cheating by Sharing Test Answers With the Moon
“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.
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Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer
Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!
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Creative Writing Department Announces New Specialization in Shitty New Adult Novels
Required classes include: ‘the half-bed trope: even better than one bed!’, ‘consent and how to circumvent it’, ‘why write characters when you can sculpt a red flag out of clay and pray to…
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Study Finds Writing Workshop Feedback from Kyle “Unhelpful”
A study conducted in Beginner’s Poetry Workshop has ultimately declared feedback from Kyle, a student in the Monday/Wednesday section, to be ineffective at improving the quality of the work of a fellow student,…
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President Alivisatos Accused of Plagiarizing From the Periodic Table of Elements
Alivasatos is alleged to have submitted papers which contain nothing but basic information about chemical elements taken directly from the periodic table.
