2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…

Pilvin first met his advisor, Justin Thum, just twenty minutes ago. “My advisor is so helpful,” says Pilvin, “He must have a great job with a lot of long-term prospects.”  Pilvin was not…

O’Higgins made the connection half an hour after meeting his roommate, who introduced himself as Brad Normal. “We were making small talk, just getting to know each other, when I thought, ‘Gee, he…

#3: Light Bulbs Squad According to one of our investigators who managed to join this elite, secretive “Squad,” the members sit in a red circle surrounded by unlit light bulbs in a dark…

“You idiots think we’re done with this thing?” shouted Mosser, “Hell no, we haven’t even started on the waterslide system yet!”

Many within the UChicago community were dismayed by the atmosphere of egotism and competition at the Glow Party. “This school used to be full of cool cats who just wanted to have a…

“We’ve never seen anything like it,” said Dr. Evina Stromberg, a researcher who studies the social habits of first-years. “An O-Week friend group that lasts this long violates all known laws of physics.”

In a developing story coming out of Fiji House, frat brother Kyle Smith-Jones-Johnson III has announced that he will be majoring in business economics “for the children” (and for Goldman Sachs). 

Remaining ahead of the curve, Foggarty has also made sure to develop more serious feuds in order to pre-empt any post-O-week enmity. According to an exclusive interview with the Dealer, Foggarty revealed that…

The University describes the ball pit as “an epic mix of adventure, play, and adrenaline” that features friendly, familiar characters such as Batguy (no relation), Mikey Mouse (no relation), and Georg Wilhelm Friedrich…