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Op-Ed: Scabs Bother Me
Scabs bother me. I’m fine with nerds having fun in an overindulgent nerdfest. What really bothers me is the amount of importance some students put on not recognizing graduate student labor. People pretend…
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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
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New Central Route to Only Turn Right
In an effort to streamline the Nightride shuttle system, the Central route has been revised to only make right-hand turns, effective immediately. In an email to the student body, Transportation and Parking Services…
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Campus North Resident Surprised to Find New, Hip Restaurant in Dorm Room
When third-year Hannah Gilbraith came home from tennis practice late last Thursday night, she walked into Campus North as usual, tapped her ID at the front desk, and rode the elevator up to…
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Hallowed Grounds Consecrated by Holy See
Regulars of Hallowed Grounds, the fourth most popular coffee shop in Reynolds Club, were surprised last Sunday to see the Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church, his Holiness Pope Francis I, enter…
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Dean Boyer’s Cover Band to Play Seals and Crofts’ “Summer Breeze” on Endless Loop in the MAB Beer Garden
Ahead of announcing this year’s Summer Breeze lineup, MAB has revealed that Dean Boyer’s Seals and Crofts cover band will be headlining the beer garden, exclusively playing their hit “Summer Breeze” on repeat…
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Shady Classifieds: Cobb Cafe
Have you ever wanted to work at the most deeply unsettling coffee shop on campus? Are you not beautiful enough to dare step foot behind the bar at Harper? Have you always dreamed…
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Survey Reveals Frats Suck Because They’re All Scorpios
A recent survey of University of Chicago Greek life has revealed that every single fraternity brother since 1920 was born under the astrological sign of Scorpio, and is therefore a totally irredeemable trash…
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“We Need Communism” Says Econ Bro After Being Forced to Watch 3 Consecutive YouTube Ads
It was a dark Friday night, and Zakry Gaylord Beta, a second-year Economics major, had just returned home after a long, arduous day of solving Lagrangians. Naturally, he was tired, so he did…
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Op-Ed: That’s Right, I’m Passionate About Finance
Hey! Thanks for agreeing to get coffee. I know you’re busy, but I’ve got 20 meetings today and a p-set due tomorrow after my 4 interviews, so I could only just squeeze you…
