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In Bid for Diversity, Board Chooses Muppet as Next UChicago President
After many community listening sessions, international searches, and donor solicitations, the Board of Trustees has chosen Paul Alivisatos as the next President of the University of Chicago. His preceding tenure as Vice Chancellor…
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Conservative Students Silenced by Regenstein Library’s 4th floor
Rather than deal with the Soros-backed liberal elites of the media, I decided to turn my cubicle into a soapbox and recite my argument on the fourth floor of the Reg. Having chosen…
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Exclusive: Top Brass Dispels Rumors of SSA/Crown Remilitarization
Lieutenant Commander Zimmer denies that the school has become complicit in hyper-militarism, stating that the Main Quadrangle’s helipad has been there all along, and that anyone who disagrees will be dishonorably discharged.
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Top 7 Things In My Room I Haven’t Made Beautiful Love To
With the COVID-19 pandemic, us first-years have had a good amount of time to explore our rooms. That being said, here’s seven things in my room I haven’t made sweet, sweet love to.
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How To Get This Quarter’s Existential Crisis Over With Early
As winter quarter begins and your courses kick into high gear, it's once again time to face the fact that at some point between now and finals, you’ll inevitably break down. But can…
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Ranking All the Friends I Made During Autumn Quarter
Due to COVID-19 restrictions, this has been a difficult time for first years to make friends. Social gatherings and many activities usually seen as a way to establish connections have either been cancelled…
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Conspiracy Theory: First Years Aren’t Real
In recent news, the life (of the mind) at the University of Chicago has been brought to a startling halt after rumors began circulating that Administration forwent accepting ACTUAL students for the class…
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UChicago to be Film Location for New ‘Community’ Documentary
Universal Pictures has just announced plans to release a Community Documentary in early 2023. The President of Universal Pictures, Peter Cramer, said his team made plans to the put the movie in production…
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Math Department Discovers New Highest Number
A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest number, 87381.
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The Top 4 Chicago Thinkers: Number 3 Will Shock You!
The Chicago Thinker thinks their writers do the best thinking out of anyone. Today we pay homage to The Chicago Thinker and its team of Thinkers™, by honouring some of their influences --…
