Reports show DU members begging for Maroon Dollars outside the Reg to repay their debt, although no member responded to our request for comment.

“I try to sit with them at lunch but they’re always, like, so mean to me."

“We felt like the administration just wasn’t doing our job with 5,438 employees, but we remain optimistic that the 5,439th will do the trick.”

“After four straight years of Datamatch, we thought we’d hit rock bottom in terms of question material, but it turns out we could sink lower down!”

The UChicago community was sent into an uproar this week after #justiceforNorth began trending on Twitter.

So how about it? Wanna give me a shot? If the age gap ever feels weird, just pretend I’m 25 like I said I was when we first matched.

The credibility of the statement was called into question by representatives from the NLrB (the Nitrogen-Lawrencium-Boron Union), as the University is known to benefit from ions and other dissociated species.

It’s not like I haven’t tried to make it happen, either. I’ve dropped subtle hints — every time I walk through Reynolds, I make sure I’m looking my best.

I know you’ve been wanting to get drinks with me for a while, so like, you should totally come to the party with your mom ‘cause we’ll definitely have drinks. 

Josh, grab my phone and text that girl I’ve been talking to. Yeah, Ashley. Tell her to get over here. Tell her it’s the hill by Alex’s house.