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Utah Replaces All Water Supply With Electrolytes, ‘Cause That’s What Plants Crave
“I, brought to you by Carl’s Jr., am happy to announce that our great state’s water supply is no more!" Governor Cox announced.
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Huzzah! Progressive Parent Pledges to Merely Threaten Queer Kid Instead of Denouncing Them This Year
Needless to say, Jade was still viscerally disgusted at their father’s comments. While The Shady Dealer initially attempted to reach Jade for comment, the paper was informed that quoting them could be construed…
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Donald Trump Comes Out as Serbian Nationalist, Returns Kosovo to Serbia within 15 Days
"It’s a beautiful city, the food is great, the women are great. My wife Melania once made me a pljeskavica, it was the greatest food I ever experienced. Since I was ten, my…
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Everyone’s Talking About the Price of Eggs, but What About the U.S. Trout Population?
But what happens when egg prices get too high? People resort to other items for food. Sometimes it’s steak, sometimes it’s lentils. But in the end, some people will choose trout. This will…
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America Withdraws Support for South Korea in Exchange for Golf Course in Pyongyang
Following the announcement, Trump immediately lifted the travel ban on North Korea, and signed an executive order renaming it “Best Korea.”
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After Seeing Trump’s Shitshow, Democrats Attempt to Resurrect Jimmy Carter for 2028
"The results of this past election clearly indicate that Americans want a really old white dude to be their president. We won in 2020 with Joe Biden, who’s like the third oldest boy of…
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RFK Jr. Declares That Snow Can Cause ADHD
According to new directives, parents can help keep their children healthy by melting all the snow outside of their homes first thing in the morning and wrapping their kids in tin foil whenever…
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UChicago Announces $200 Million “Free Expression+” Tier
Participants will be allowed to say racial —and non-racial—slurs, gain discounted access to frats, and receive exclusive entry extra SOSC classes as part of the Free Expression+ Core.
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Shady Dealer Officially Broke; Turns to Shady Dealings
There have been reports of a copy editor selling solutions to MATH 15300 problem sets, an editor-in-chief selling amphetamines to underage students, and a deputy layout editor profiting from smuggling Russian gas into…
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UChicago Gambling Club Wins Big
“It’s well known that 99% of gamblers quit right before they win big. $10,000 is quite big, but $10,000,000 is even bigger”, UChicago Gambling Club president, Adam Rouletteman, stated after the victory.
