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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

  • Campus Life

    Admin Accuses GSU of Taking Free Speech Too Far

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

      By Breck Radulovic and Dan Lastres Oct. 20, 2017 After years of successfully stymying grad students’ efforts to unionize, the administration was dealt a shocking defeat. Graduate students at the University of…

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  • Historical Issue

    Silly Bandz Craze Sweeps the Supreme Court.

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic – Washington, D.C., 2010 May 5, 2018 Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg Shows of her Silly Bandz Wow! It’s 2010 and every middle schooler, stoner, and Supreme Court Justice is rocking…

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  • Campus Life

    University Fails Mental Health Inspection

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic May 5, 2018 Bartlett Dining Commons The University of Chicago failed an April 16 mental health inspection because of insufficient mental health resources, unsatisfactory support for those in need, and actively hostile…

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  • Campus Life

    Pearson Institute Established to Resolve Global Conflict Between Econ Majors, Rest of World

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Oct. 8, 2015 News of a $100 million donation was well received, with both Economics majors and human beings with souls agreeing that the new Pearson Institute for the Study…

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  • Campus Life

    President Zimmer Requests Safe Space from Concerns of Students, Workers

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic June 8, 2016 In a statement regarding the pending disciplinary action against a student protester, President Robert Zimmer expressed his desire to keep the University of Chicago campus a safe…

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  • Campus Life

    5 Perfect Moments that Will Never Top Leaving the Reg

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 The Joesph Regenstein Library There are but few moments in life that will truly bring joy to the tortured human soul. Among them are winning a Nobel…

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  • Lifestyle

    Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Only Has Enough Batteries to Power Her Remote Control, Vibrator, or Fire Alarm

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Oct. 17, 2017 Area woman Tricia Meyers became the unfortunate victim of a resource shortage when her supply of AA batteries fell below three. Meyers, 27, had just sat down…

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  • Campus Life

    Botany Pond Ducklings Served at Fourth Meal

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 4th Meal’s Latest Surprise Last Thursday’s Fourth Meal featured a very special menu item. We know what you’re thinking, but this time it wasn’t mozzarella sticks! To…

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  • Lifestyle

    Now That It’s Spring, I Should Probably Shave My Three Meters of Armpit Hair

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

      By Breck Radulovic May 13, 2016 Hello, spring, and goodbye Old Man Winter! It’s been a long one, and so I haven’t touched a razor since mid-October. But now that it’s over…

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  • Sports

    Biathlon Fever! The Olympics is Adding Shooting to Every Other Sport!

    Breck Radulovic / March 16, 2013

    By Breck Radulovic Feb. 24, 2018 Following public interest in the biathlon, an Olympic sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that all Olympic sports will…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
  • Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
  • Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
  • New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
  • They wouldn’t let me into the Donner party and I am IRATE
  • Crazy New Party Drug Also Good for Surgery
  • 5 Tips to Make Sure You’re the King’s Top Mistress
  • Simone De Beauvoir Cancels Long-Awaited Sequel The Third Sex
  • Union Army Morale Skyrockets After President Lincoln’s Stunning Kazoo Solo
  • New Whig Political Party Objectively Has Stupidest Name

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