-
President Zimmer Requests Safe Space from Concerns of Students, Workers
By Breck Radulovic June 8, 2016 In a statement regarding the pending disciplinary action against a student protester, President Robert Zimmer expressed his desire to keep the University of Chicago campus a safe…
-
5 Perfect Moments that Will Never Top Leaving the Reg
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 The Joesph Regenstein Library There are but few moments in life that will truly bring joy to the tortured human soul. Among them are winning a Nobel…
-
Tragedy Strikes! Area Woman Only Has Enough Batteries to Power Her Remote Control, Vibrator, or Fire Alarm
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 17, 2017 Area woman Tricia Meyers became the unfortunate victim of a resource shortage when her supply of AA batteries fell below three. Meyers, 27, had just sat down…
-
Botany Pond Ducklings Served at Fourth Meal
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2018 4th Meal’s Latest Surprise Last Thursday’s Fourth Meal featured a very special menu item. We know what you’re thinking, but this time it wasn’t mozzarella sticks! To…
-
Now That It’s Spring, I Should Probably Shave My Three Meters of Armpit Hair
By Breck Radulovic May 13, 2016 Hello, spring, and goodbye Old Man Winter! It’s been a long one, and so I haven’t touched a razor since mid-October. But now that it’s over…
-
Biathlon Fever! The Olympics is Adding Shooting to Every Other Sport!
By Breck Radulovic Feb. 24, 2018 Following public interest in the biathlon, an Olympic sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that all Olympic sports will…
-
Five Ass Tattoos You Won’t Regret
By Breck Radulovic April 23, 2016 1. An Outline of a Hheart- Turn your own ass into a dry-erase board of love!. Ask your lover to write in their initials with sharpie, and…
-
Sexy Steve Irwin/Stingray Costume Pulled From Shelves
By Breck Radulovic Oct. 10, 2016 Citing a brewing “outrage tornado”, Halloween Unlimited CEO Bart Robinson ordered his franchises to stop selling the popular “Sexy Australian Reptile Finder and Scary Pointed Sea…
-
Area Subletter Fails Turing Test
By Breck Radulovic April 20, 2017 Area Subletter Fails Turing Test Following her acceptance into a study abroad program in Vienna, University of Chicago second -year Allie Sullivan arranged to sublet her…
-
Hot New Trend! Steaming Your Vag
By Breck Radulovic Jan. 30, 2018 American actress and professional white woman Gwyneth Paltrow created quite the splash in 2015 when she promoted vaginal steaming, a controversial Los Angeles spa treatment. Personally endorsed by…
