Nov. 19, 2015
10. This holiday season, Jeb Bush will avoid appearing in any family photos.
9. In a break from Trump family tradition, the Donald will give Christmas presents to his children for the first time in their lives.
8. Carly Fiorina will hide from the elves she laid off while CEO of Santa’s workshop in 2011.
7. Rand Paul will keep the Senate hostage over the entire Christmas recess with a Grinch Who Stole Christmas-themed filibuster.
6. In an appeal to the Christian Right, Ben Carson will claim that Planned Parenthood would have aborted the baby Jesus.
5½. Following the demise of his presidential campaign, Bobby Jindal will release a Christmas album featuring such hits as “Bobby Jindal Bells.”5. In the 666th hour of Paul’s filibuster, Marco Rubio will realize Santa is an anagram of Satan.
4. Clinton aides will flip the HillaryBot into festive mode.
3. Mike Huckabee will fight valiantly against the War on Christmas by giving birth to the Son of God.
2. In a protest against Big Oil, Bernie Sanders will attempt to use a solar-powered menorah in the Capitol Building.
1. In a perverse misunderstanding of the meaning of Christmas, Chris Christie will continue to refuse to see the similarities between the plight of the Virgin Mary and that of the Syrian refugees.