Chicago Shady Dealer,  World Affairs

Climate Change PSA: Reindeer Can Fly, But They Sure as Hell Can’t Swim

By Breck Radulovic
Dec. 5, 2018

Baby, it’s cold outside! But not for much longer. Climate change is reaching the North Pole, and it’s not looking good for Santa’s reindeer. You’ve likely read about rising global temperatures melting the polar ice caps. While Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen are total aces in the sky, they sure as hell can’t swim. Looks like we better start rewriting that song: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go drown in history! (Like the Lusitania!)”

Do you hear what I hear? It’s the UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) calling, and they have this to say: “Donner better change his name to ‘Goner’ unless humanity gets its act together. By our most conservative calculations, it looks like we have ten years to turn this all around, or Comet and Cupid should start looking at pool floaties and swimming lessons.”

You can check your list, you can check it twice! But we already know who’s been naughty, not nice. Perhaps Santa himself should share some of the blame. The UN IPCC report estimates roughly one third of all greenhouse gases come from Santa-provided coal. And of course, the consumption-dependent culture of the global West is epitomized by the legend of Santa himself. All-in-all, the report estimates that approximately two degrees worth of global temperature increase can be directly attributed to Ole Saint Nick.

Walking in a winter wonderland? More like slowly drowning in the melted remains of your arctic home! With sea levels expected to rise multiple feet by 2050, it ain’t looking good for Santa’s workshop. But hey kids, enjoy it while it lasts!

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Editor-in-Chief, 2018-19