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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
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Is He Flirting With You or Just Promoting an IOP Event?
By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 5, 2018 Dating at UChicago can be difficult. Sometimes it’s not so clear whether that special person is demonstrating an interest in you or if he’s drumming up attention…
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“So Do I Just Put It In?” First-Years Unsure How to Vote
It’s election season in the United States and millions of Americans are expected to hit the polls on November 6th. For many 18-year-old citizens, this will be the first election they can…
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Dean Boyer Reads Plato’s Republic, Announces Plan to Exile All Creative Writing Majors
By Sam Stephenson Oct. 26, 2018 Dean Boyer, having recently read Plato’s Republic, announced that all Creative Writing majors would be exiled from University premises effective immediately. In an official statement justifying the…
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Four Freakish Stress-Induced Bodily Phenomena You Will Experience at This School
By Ella Hester Sept. 24, 2018 Chronic “Gym Bro” Syndrome Some experts say that exercise is an incredibly efficient stress reliever. But they weren’t conducting their studies here in The Upside Down!…
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SOSC Canvas Posts Too Intimate
By Warner Swatkins May 25, 2018 The trouble began when a number of students in Professor Bart Conroy’s third quarter of “Self, Culture, Society” expressed concerns that the readings concerning Dr. Sigmund Freud…
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Condom Ad
By Chicago Shady Dealer Merchandise Ltd April 20, 2018 *Not Actual Size Never forget about your University’s unique and steadfast commitment to academic and political freedoms with the Chicago Shady Dealer’s new “Free…
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University Drug Ring Bust Yields Over 30 Pounds Of Raw Prozac
By Ryan Fleishman Feb. 20, 2018 Prozac In a sting operation planned over the course of seven months, the University of Chicago Police Department (UCPD) finally took down a massive University drug ring…
