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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
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Santa Looking to Split Uber from Midway
By Emily Feigenbaum Dec. 26, 2018 image via stuckattheairport.com After a long night of delivering Christmas presents to the bright-eyed children of the world, Santa Claus is heading back home to Hyde Park…
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DC & NYC to Restrict Immigration of Public Policy Majors
By Nico Aldape Dec. 5, 2018 “Y’all young, broke twenty-somethings are coming into our town and stealing the jobs from all us older broke twenty-somethings,” said District of Columbia resident Sydney Pulisic. “Fuck all of you.” Pulisic…
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Security Alert and Other Musings
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 2, 2018 Associate Vice President for Safety & Security, Eric M. Heath, and his lesser known, but equally influential twin brother, Erin N. Heath, are opponents within the world…
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Dairy Section at HPP in Strange Transition Between Pumpkin Spice Eggnog and Regular Eggnog
By Nico Aldape Oct. 26, 2018 Much like the weather alternating between highs of 70s and 40s each day, or my sleep schedule, the dairy section at seminal food market Hyde Park Produce…
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Dear Dealer: How Do I Handle my Podcast-Crazy Roomie?
By Dirk Lazenby Sept. 24, 2018 Dear Shady Dealer, During some routine Facebook stalking I discovered that my soon-to-be-roommate is a podcast fanatic. I don’t want to be rude or close-minded, but…
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Spring Has Sprung: Fijis Quit Breastfeeding for Solid Food
By Antonia Salisbury May 25, 2018 Frarty season is upon us, and you know what that means: barbecued mashed peas and a banana yogurt ice luge. The Dealer began its reporting at the Fiji…
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Graduate Students United Rally Disperses After Pinkerton Detectives Open Fire
By Daniel Lastres May 5, 2018 An artist’s rendition of the fatal rally Hyde Park, 1892 In a bid to regain control of campus following more than a week of unrest, University administrators…
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Disgusting Sewer Mutants Emerge During Night to Write UChicago Secrets
By Nik Varley April 20, 2018 Investigative journalists for the Chicago Shady Dealer have discovered the source of the grotesque and inflammatory posts frequently submitted to the popular UChicago Secrets Facebook page: a…
