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UChicago to Establish New Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering to Develop Condom that Will Fit on Your Dick
By Sylvia Lampson The University of Chicago is delighted to announce that it is the first university in the nation to open a school dedicated to molecular engineering. This decision was prompted primarily…
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At Long Last: University Announces 36,000 Square Foot Wingers to Replace Treasure Island
Per a report released earlier today, the University’s Office for Community Engagement announced that the former Treasure Island location will become the new Wingers location. Wingers, the much-beloved diner specializing in American cuisine,…
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Classifieds
By Matthew Goldenberg and Morgan Pantuck Oct. 21, 2014 “Lab” partner wanted Looking to experiment with girls. Must have significant biology and chemistry background, advanced laboratory skills, a research portfolio, and huge ol’…
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I Don’t Believe in Gay Marriage
By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2014 Look, I know this isn’t the “politically correct” thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest. I don’t believe in gay…
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Nation‘s Leaders Come Together to Balance the Budget on Todd’s Back
By Timi Koyejo April 20, 2014 Following months of deliberation, Congressional leaders and President Obama have announced in a joint bipartisan news conference their plan to eliminate the budget deficit entirely through funds…
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2 Chainz Objectifies God
By Drew Armstrong Feb. 22, 2014 With his most recent single, “Fallaish me Father 4 I have Sinned,” rapper 2Chainz gives missionary a whole new meaning. Tired of defaming women, the G.O.O.D. Music…
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God Finally Finishes Book
By Gus Schiff (1200 B.C.) Jan. 24, 2014 Humanity has eagerly awaited God’s book, 50 Shades of Yahweh, since it was announced nearly 3000 years ago. But the world might not want to…
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Weak Roommate Declares State of Emergen-C
By Chris Deakin Dec. 24, 2013 According to a release from Brian the subletter, 5414 S. Woodlawn Ave., Apt. 2, is currently in a state of Emergen-C. The state was declared less than…
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RSO Announces Shortest Ever Humans vs. Atomic Bomb game
By Jeremy Archer Nov. 9, 2013 Highlighting the lack of any sort of protection against an atomic blast, the managing board of the Atomic Bomb Defense Task Force announced today that this year’s…
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Red Cup Washed, Reused
By Evan Bernstein Oct. 18, 2013 According to roommates, a red plastic cup has been washed and subsequently reused. The cup was reportedly first purchased in bulk for the purposes of a Saturday…
