Chicago Shady Dealer

Panera to Stop Selling GMOs After Seeing Convincing Facebook Post

By Katie Zellner
Oct. 12, 2015

After seeing a convincing Facebook post by his uncle, the Co-CEO of Panera Bread Sam Hockly has announced that his company will begin serving only 100% organic food by cutting out all genetically modified organisms (GMOs).

Hockly spoke to the Shady Dealer post-announcement.

“After Chipotle made a similar initiative, we were intrigued. We did some research and are now completely convinced by the mounds of evidence posted by my uncle on Facebook that GMOs are bad and scary.” said Hockly. I have heard plenty of scientists say that GMOs are perfectly safe, but my ex-girlfriend, who said she would love me forever, was a scientist. I don’t trust those people anymore.”

Chipotle’s original initiative was to find new sources for their products, specifically corn and soy plants, but Hockly believed Panera could do better than that. After discussions with farmers and Hockly’s daughter, who is taking 6th grade biology, the company discovered that virtually all organic products have been genetically altered due to traditional farming techniques and natural selection. Therefore, the company decided to completely remove corn, beef, chicken, pork, wheat, rice, sugar, lettuce, tomatoes, herbs, and all other food items from the menu. Although victory is sweet, Hockly insists that this is an ethical issue as well.

“Not only do we care deeply about winning and the, uh, environment, but we also have to maintain our reputation as a premium fast food company,” said Hockly. “Given our commitment to quickly serving our customers, we have decided that we cannot use genetically altered organisms because evolution takes a really long time. Did you know that our last common ancestor with the chimpanzee lived over six million years ago? That’s crazy. That’s just so many.”

As a further measure, the fast food company has also invested in an intern’s second cousin on Kickstarter who is trying to develop human photosynthesis.

“In the meantime,” said Hockly, “you can still enjoy Panera’s free Wi-Fi, restrooms, water, and comfy booths for only $15 an hour.”