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My Opinion is Valid Because I Use Hyperlinks
By Morgan Pantuck Feb. 20, 2018 A Classic Hyperlink There’s something important going on in America, and we need to discuss it. I have strong opinions about this thing, as you can see…
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Zero Waste Redemption: How I Fit a Year of My Trash in a Mason Jar
By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 When I went zero waste at the beginning of 2017, I wasn’t just embarking on a fresh start: I was literally running from the law! I needed…
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4 O-Mances That Should Have Ended By Now
By Deb Mukherjee Oct. 17, 2017 Justin and Amanda: Justin and Amanda. Justin and Amanda. She’s four foot eight, he’s five foot ten, could we make it any more obvious that they’re incompatible?…
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Saturn V Rocket Carrying Satellite Dorm Explodes on Launchpad
By Thomas Noriega Oct. 17, 2017 Early this morning, members of the university community were awoken by a loud explosion emanating from the Midway Plaisance. Upon looking out their respective windows and doorways,…
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Fun Burned in Effigy in Annual Ceremony
By Sam Hoffman Aug. 17, 2017 At the stroke of midnight on Friday, September 15, a select group of O-Aides, Dean Boyer, and 13 professors chosen by lottery met in the exact center…
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Ok, That’s The Last Time I Date An Undecided Voter
By Greer Baxter May 14, 2017 Ok, That’s The Last Time I Date An Undecided Voter So I met this cute guy at a party, and he let it slip that he was…
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Student Naming Rights Sold
By Thomas Noriega April 20, 2017 Student Naming Rights SoldBy Arley D. Cathey In an effort to defray mounting debts, the University announced that, effective immediately, the naming rights of all current students…
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White House Leaks: Bannon Sends Trump to Bed, and with No Dessert
By Dan Lastres March 25, 2017 An internal memo leaked to the Chicago Shady Dealer by an anonymous White Hhouse insider staffers says that President Trump was “sent to bed early for misbehaving,”…
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Trump Administration Announces Executive Task Force on Inclusivity of the Gays, Illegals, and Blacks
By Nico Aldape Feb. 23, 2017 Trump Administration Announces Executive Task Force on Inclusivity of the Gays, Illegals, and Blacks On Wednesday, Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced the development of an executive branch…
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CP: Nooo, You’re Drunk!!
By 21st Amendment, 1933 Feb. 5, 2017 CP: 21st Ammendment: Nooo, You’re Drunk!! Pshhhh. Me, dDrunk? I’m not drunk! You’re drunk! If I’m sooo drunk, then how come you’re the one spinning in…
