Chicago Shady Dealer

Point/Counterpoint: Sports are Obnoxious

By Nico Aldape
Nov. 11, 2015

I quite honestly think sports culture is obnoxious. Major sports just capitalize on hyper-masculinity (except basketball and soccer, which capitalize on flopping and pretending to be injured). The leagues which sponsor these sports make millions of dollars just because people drinking beer at stadiums and on televisions want to watch people do exercises. I will admit that these are complex, socially constructed, competitive exercises, usually with balls involved. I will also admit that sports with balls are entertaining, because without balls, it’d be totally lame regardless of how obnoxious it is.

Take track, for example. Track is basically NASCAR, but with people. I don’t understand swimming either. Swimming is fun – why are swimmers in such a hurry to get in and get out? Sports with balls (especially soccer, the sport I dislike the least despite its obnoxiousness) are more entertaining and sophisticated. That doesn’t mean the culture surrounding them is as sophisticated, though. It’s often less. Why are announcers yelling all the time? Watching a bunch of sweaty men try to get each other hyped up and outdo each other’s performances for spectacle? I’ll leave that to frat parties, thank you very much.


GOOOOOOLAAAAAAZO! GOAL GOAL GOAL! What a goal from Theo Walcott! A beautiful pass from Mesut Ozil! That ball was harder to pass than literally anything through Congress at the moment, but somehow Ozil did it, and Walcott just SLAMS the ball into the top corner for a goal! One-nil to Arsenal, who have absolutely DOMINATED this game, and now we’re back to the action. Arsenal get on the attack immediately after going ahead with some beautiful soccer. Just sublime. Perfect. Divine. Dually orgasmic, even.

Let’s watch the replay. WOW, just look at how Walcott stabs through the defense like a knife through – oh shit, word from the field incoming. Wait, I just cursed on the air, didn’t I? Fuck. I am being informed that Walcott scored another goal during our replay, so let’s watch the replay of the second gooooOOOOOH MY GOD! WALCOTT BICYCLE KICKS IT IN! THE BALL SAILS IN FRONT OF HIM, HE LOOKS AT THE BALL, FALLS BACK, KICKS UP, AND RIPS THE BALL PAST THE GOALKEEPER IN EMPHATIC FASHION! SENSATIONAL! WOOOOOAAAAA –

It was at this point that the announcer’s transmission cut off as he jumped out of his radio booth to celebrate the goal with the team on the pitch.