-
UChicago Gambling Club Wins Big
“It’s well known that 99% of gamblers quit right before they win big. $10,000 is quite big, but $10,000,000 is even bigger”, UChicago Gambling Club president, Adam Rouletteman, stated after the victory.
-
Acronym Majors on the Rise, New Report Says
Third-year Elena Cooperington agreed: “I told employers at job interviews that I was majoring in REES and SALC with minors in CMST, CRES and CEGU and they had the gall to question my…
-
Woodlawn to Require Students to Name 3 Brothers at the Front Desk
“Woodlawn Residential Commons is a place for students to feel welcome, and is often in very high demand for students to enter, especially on the weekends. We know our building is sought after…
-
Reg to Be Painted Yellow in Honor of Corn
The plan will require 36 painters, 5 months, 4 million dollars, and will make the weird glass library from Divergent look like a seasonal vegetable. UChicago has recently faced many public accusations of…
-
“Mountain” of Scratch Offs Found Under University Administration Offices
To find out what this could possibly mean, we arranged a video call with Robert Solis, financial analyst and University of Chicago alum. “They’re doing a good job of diversifying their assets. In…
-
College Unveils New “Indecisive” Major
At long last, The University acknowledges these students, hears their soft-spoken, noncommittal cries, and answers with a major tailored to their majorlessness: The Indecisive Major.
-
Earth as a Planet Students Accused of Cheating by Sharing Test Answers With the Moon
“I feel deeply ashamed that I violated UChicago’s code of academic honesty,” the moon said, in an exclusive interview with the Dealer.
-
Following Drop In Rankings, UChicago Students Report Sun Is a Little Dimmer
Following a precipitous drop in the US News College Ranking, students of the university have made a surprising discovery: everything is just a little worse now!
-
Creative Writing Department Announces New Specialization in Shitty New Adult Novels
Required classes include: ‘the half-bed trope: even better than one bed!’, ‘consent and how to circumvent it’, ‘why write characters when you can sculpt a red flag out of clay and pray to…
-
Study Finds Writing Workshop Feedback from Kyle “Unhelpful”
A study conducted in Beginner’s Poetry Workshop has ultimately declared feedback from Kyle, a student in the Monday/Wednesday section, to be ineffective at improving the quality of the work of a fellow student,…
