“Record-breaking” O-Mance Lasts an Astonishing 2 Weeks
WOODLAWN RESIDENTIAL COMMONS – Judges from Ripley’s Believe It or Not arrived on campus this afternoon to certify a breathtaking new record: the longest O-Week relationship. The record, held by first years Lisa Summers and Kyle Morris, beats the previous benchmark by 3 days. “It was the classic story,” Morris said. “Boy meets girl, boy exchanges dozens of Snapchats with girl, boy loses girl.”
Summers concurred, “I’ll always cherish the days I spent with Kyle – from the time we were making out and our teeth accidentally clicked against each other, to the other time we were making out and our teeth accidentally clicked against each other.” The record-breaking relationship, which had been all the talk of the Rustandy House lounge, reportedly ended yesterday due to the desire to meet new people and “the second law of thermodynamics.”
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
