Senioritis Overtakes COVID as Dominant Viral Infection on Campus
Sneezing, stuffy noses, and sometimes death — these are the symptoms that have come to define the senioritis epidemic among people who also have nut and pollen allergies. The infection was quick and efficient, unlike how the seniors it infects fare on p-sets. This infection has sent waves across campus, and 50 students have already been sent to the emergency ward for senioritis.
The Dealer was fortunate enough to talk to some of these affected individuals. Some of these statements included, “All I did was sleep a couple of extra hours last night”, “I missed one discussion post, why am I here”, and “I already got into grad school, leave me alone.” Student Health has remained adamant that affected students be treated before going back to a regular school environment. They have been experimenting with different potential remedies, including but not limited to: copious amounts of caffeine, adderall, cocaine, or all of the above.
Early symptoms of infected persons include not giving two shits about work; actively looking for ways to avoid school work, such as catching up with friends; sleeping a lot more than usual; regaining a sense of self-worth and work-life balance; laughing at the idea of RSO or USG elections. Often, symptoms may escalate to greater dangers like rashes, joint aches, or even, in some extreme cases, death.
Fourth-years bear higher risk of senioritis than others, though it is not uncommon to see second- and third-years experiencing similar symptoms. First-years are the least susceptible, but even they can be infected, especially if they have taken honors classes recently. If you or a loved one think that you may be infected, Student Health recommends setting up an appointment with a medical professional and quarantining, preferably with your homework.
Managing Editor, 2022-23
