Campus Life,  Chicago Shady Dealer

Dean Nondorf Returns to Cryo-Freezer as Prospie Season Ends

With the campus no longer awash in eager and precocious high schoolers, Dean Nondorf is returning to cryogenic slumber until the next admissions cycle resumes. Shane Zimmer, Robert Zimmer’s secret bastard child and Nondorf’s caretaker, gave the Dealer an insider look at the process.

Dealer: So, this is where the magic happens?

Shane: Actually, we stopped using blood magic in favor of cryogenic preservation during the 2013 admissions season. With this new process we get far fewer glitches. Back when we were bathing him in a mixture of sheep’s blood and squid ink, he would behave strangely for a week or so after we got him back online. In 2011, he got an erection every time he said the words “highly selective”. With this new cryo method we have far fewer problems.

Dealer: Walk us through the process. How does one go about preserving a dean of admissions?

Shane: We’ve really simplified the process. Basically, the two top-performing PSAC reps get to smear vegetable oil over his skin and then rub him down with cocaine. After that we wrap him in back issues of US News and World Report and freeze him at 31.8˚F.

Dealer: Why not colder? Aren’t you trying to preserve his tissues for future use?

Shane: We keep him as close to freezing as possible so that we can rapidly thaw him out if say, Angelina Jolie were to show up on campus with 400 grand and a kid who can almost play lacrosse. Keeping him this warm definitely hastens his degradation, but if he decays too much, we can always find a new effervescent admissions officer to overpay.

Thanks for joining us for this first in our series of Deans behind the Scenes: A look at what goes into maintaining the UChi Faculty. Next week we’ll be vising Madame Tussaud’s to check out how they keep Dean Boyer looking 300 years young.

Jack Toole

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