OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”
In an apparent response to mounting criticism for cultural insensitivity, the University of Chicago announced today that it will be changing the name of the Oriental Institute to the “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing.” This name change honors Indiana H. Jones, a real archeologist at UChicago renowned in the field for his contributions to Near Eastern Studies and his repeated support for the sterilization of literate women.
In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world. A statement from Institute head Jan Pfiefer read, “We’re encouraging everyone to not think too hard about where everything came from. Look: it’s a mummy! Isn’t that crazy? Like the movies, baby!”
Echoing the attitude of numerous British museums, the Institute has refused to return any of these artifacts, and is attempting to sweep their troubled past under the rug. The Institute has further clarified that “to address concerns, we have revised our policies to only steal artifacts from dead people. That being said, we’re not returning that one really cool vase on the second floor.”
This change in policy comes after the Institute mistakenly dug up and expropriated several Mexican sewage pipes, believing them to be ancient Aztec pottery. The city of Oaxaca was completely without running water for several days before the pipes were eventually returned with an apology and 300 maroon dollars (to be redeemed by the end of the current academic year).
Along with the name change, the school will be making a series of renovations to the Institute’s museum, installing a bust of Jones emblazoned with his famous motto: “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
Jacob Halabe is a pseudonym of famously reclusive author JD Salinger. Despite reports that he died in 2010, Salinger is actually alive and well, posing as a third year History major at the University of Chicago. Jacob (ie: Salinger) is a big fan of The Shady Dealer and also serves as a co-copy editor. When not penning satire, you can find him working on his forthcoming novel The Catcher in the Rye 2: This Time It's Personal
[Note: He assumes no legal liability if -- upon reading this bio -- you are filled with the uncontrollable urge to kill John Lennon]
