Meet The Six People You’ll Throw Up On in College
The cool guy from across the hall
Oh man, that guy’s so cool. He has those cool posters in his room, he sometimes closes his eyes while nodding his head to music, and he can recite poetry at the perfect times. It’s really a shame you decided to throw up on him — he was starting to think you were pretty cool too. But vomiting on him wasn’t the best look, so maybe it’s time to look for other friends. Even though they will probably not be as cool. So cool.
“That kid” who sits across from you in Hum whom you’ve always wanted to murder
You know “that kid,” the one who your professor doesn’t even pretend not to hate. One moment, you’re drinking with friends on a Friday night after failing your core bio quiz, the next you’re throwing up on “that kid.” Unfortunately, “that kid” will remember this moment and bring it up in class discussion whenever possible. Of course, it won’t be relevant. But, when have they ever said anything related to the professor’s question?
The editors-in-chief of the satire magazine you write for
Alright… it was your first time drinking, okay? Blame it on the bright lights of the big city, they were too much for a small towner like you, so you went a little crazy! You just wanted to show them you were game, that you could hang, that you knew what’s what. But instead, you showed them your undigested chicken parm from a few hours earlier. You’re still really funny, you promise, you just messed up a bit! You can’t get kicked out, right? Is this in the bylaws?
Your RH’s three-year-old daughter
You might’ve had one too many White Claws and suddenly you’re throwing up all over a trash can. Only the trashcan is really your RH’s three-year old daughter. Now, you’re in a bind. This will be one of the formative experiences of this child’s life. Good thing she can’t talk. Just run back to your room and act like nothing happened. Then, message your RA that there’s a mess on the third floor. They can deal with it.
The girl who thought you were the One — until just now
She was funny, smart, gorgeous, everything you could ask for in a future wife. You’d even talked about moving to Massachusetts together, having three kids, getting a mortgage. You’d thought you’d shower her in love, not in half-digested dining hall puddings. You almost had it all, but you threw it away. My god, what have you done?
Every passenger on the 9:34 Green Line train to the Loop
They seemed like nice enough people. They really didn’t deserve to be splattered with a flood of suspect dining hall Chinese food, but they knew the risks when they decided to ride the CTA. It was really unfortunate that you picked the car with seven uniformed on-duty CPD officers as passengers, too.
Editor-in-Chief, 2022-23
