-
Poor Harvest: A Shady Dealer Investigative Report
By Alex Foster May 13, 2014 Every day, millions of students enter Cathey Dining Commons eager to once more satisfy their insatiable yearnings for oil and Chicken Nugget Parmesan. And day after day,…
-
Fashion Scientists Search for New Black Substitute
By Isaac Krone May 13, 2014 The clothing industry is in tumult today as its best and brightest minds desperately seekh for what analysts call the “new black.” This coveted resource, arguably the…
-
I Don’t Believe in Gay Marriage
By Morgan Pantuck May 13, 2014 Look, I know this isn’t the “politically correct” thing to say these days, but I have to get something off my chest. I don’t believe in gay…
-
US Re-invades Iraq for Throwback Thursday
By James Ekstrom May 13, 2014 This Thursday, the Department of Defense announced its plans to re-invade the Middle Eastern nation of Iraq as a throwback tribute to the U.S. invasions carried out…
-
We Should Reject the Binary
By by Intel 2.4 GHz Dual Core i7 May 13, 2014 10101000000010000001001011010101001100101101000111010011110010101110100000101100110111000100100011001010001101110000001110010111111100101011110010110011101110000101111000011100011110110110001110001110000010011100100110010000001110100110101100011100001111000001110111001111100000001101111101101011110110000011110010000001111110011000110000010101110011110011010011011011101110011100011001101011100001100100000011011100010001100111000011001011110111001010111011011000011110000100010001100110101011100101011001111011100011111100010101101101111010010001011101011001010101000100011100101100101110110011110011110001100001011000011001001110110011011011001010101000000101100111100001000111101110010111011111011000101111001110000100101011001101101000110010110001100010100110100000000101001101010111001001000111100011011101110101100
-
Human Cannonball Enters the Canon
By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The Human Cannonball has entered the canon, observers report. The release of The Cannonball has been heralded as “a major event in the world of entertainment” for…
-
Fourth Year Excited to Procrastinate for Pleasure
By Chris Deakin May 14, 2014 Approaching the end of a lengthy college career spent putting off both academic and professional work, fourth-year Donald Sterling reports that he is excited to finally have…
-
Evidence Suggest Shady Dealer Staff Innocent
By Daniel Moattar May 14, 2014 The editorial staff of The Chicago Shady Dealer is innocent, the balance of evidence suggests. The evidence, which is largely circumstantial, hinges on an unprovable assertion that…
-
Ask Disastrously Misapplied Nietszche
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 Dear Disastrously Misapplied Nietzsche, My boyfriend won’t stop emailing with his ex. He told me that he’d stopped talking to her, but I logged on to his…
-
First year refers to Everything as “The Quad”
By Evan Bernstein July 23, 2014 CHICAGO – According to sources familiar with the semantic controversy, University of Chicago first-year Jacob Brinkler has been referring to various campus buildings, outdoor sites, and even…
