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Monsanto Launches New GM-O’s Breakfast Cereal
By Alex Hearn Nov. 9, 2013 At this weekend’s Grain and Cereal Convention, the Monsanto Company unveiled “GM-O’s,” its flagship brand in a new line of genetically-modified breakfast cereals. “We at Monsanto are…
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First Snow is a Credit Whore
By Second Snow Nov. 9, 2013 Every year, when November rears its head, all of us snows gather in the Snowzone Layer to catch up and chew the slush. Uncle Frost-Eyes took the…
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Everyone Deserves to Attend This School Except Todd
By Robert Zimmer Nov. 9, 2013 Hello, students! With finals looming just around the corner, I suspect many of you are beginning to feel anxious and overwhelmed. You may be wondering, “Am I…
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30% of UChicago Crushes Written While Masturbating
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 9, 2013 Winter is coming, and so, apparently, are our students. New polling data reveals that as many as 30% of UChicago Crushes are actually written while masturbating. UChicago…
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Phil Per Class Discussion Reaches Climax
By Zach Augustine Nov. 9, 2013 A quickie recap of last week’s Hum class group project developed into a heated and extended session last Tuesday. Eyewitness reports indicate that Atticus Bloom and Richard…
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Final Exam more of a Beginning, says Asshole Professor
By Evan Bernstein Nov. 9, 2013 “Don’t think of it as a final,” were Professor Walt Neilson’s first words to his class Tuesday morning. “The term ‘final’ characterizes tomorrow’s exam as some kind…
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Second Year Wins IOP by Caressing David Alexrod’s Calf
By Alex Foster Nov. 9, 2013 Vyom Khan, a second-year in the College, was declared winner of the Institute of Politics on Tuesday when he successfully caressed David Axelrod’scalf during that afternoon’s Fellows…
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Poll Results: Half of All First Years Still Anxious about Pooping at School
By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 A poll conducted by University of Chicago Campus and Student Life has revealed that 50 percent of the incoming Class of 2017 still experiences anxiety over pooping…
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8 of 9 Students in Your Problem Session Just Want To Be Held
By James Newton Nov. 9, 2013 At the conclusion of a four-year study, College statistics major Maya D’Angelo has revealed that the vast majority of students in math and science courses who attend…
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Student First in Family to Attend Club
By Kelly Keough Nov. 9, 2013 These days, getting in to the club can be one of the most difficult achievements in a young person’s life, and has been shown to have a…
