May 27, 2013
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – Your favorite punk philosopher is “super pumped” to board the space shuttle, sources confirm. Nietzsche, best known for defeating God in a “fisticuffs grudge match,” has lived in asylum in the United States since 1869, when he attained immortality. The father of nihilism offered some candid words to those criticizing his choice to explore the final frontier.
“Just because I don’t believe in anything doesn’t mean I don’t think space is dope as shit, you guys! You folks are such downers,” Nietzsche told the AP on Thursday.
“Once I destroyed God, there wasn’t much else to do. I learned how to speak English and dabbled in needlepoint, but it just felt sort of empty, you know?” Newly-immortal Nietzsche was spotted at various parties dotting the East Coast before he began lamenting “what it all means” in the late 1960s. He turned briefly to filmmaking, collaborating on Terrence Malick’s Tree of Life and Wes Anderson’s The Life Aquatic before another foray into philosophy. However, Nietzsche quickly became disillusioned.
“Times aren’t like they used to be, when life was colored by constant, never-ending anxiety about death. Philosophizing doesn’t have much point if I’ll always be around. So I figured, fuck it, space seems pretty cool.”
Sources confirmed that Nietzsche will be joining the manned mission to Mars in 2025 alongside Walt Disney, Adolf Hitler, and Elvis Presley, among other rumored immortals.