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Air Force Forms Task Force of Skydiving Spiders
The Spiders Parachuting into Dangerous Regions Task Force, or SPIDR, aims to utilize the natural skydiving abilities of arachnids to conduct High-Altitude Low-Opening (HALO) jumps in military operations deemed too risky for human…
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10 Things To Do on Campus This Fall That Feel Almost As Good As Being Loved
It’s officially cuffing season! But as we know at the University of Chicago, some things are better in theory than in practice, and it’s hard to maintain a loving relationship when you have…
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Trump claims to have discovered “Constitution 2” allowing him to do whatever he wants
He described having stumbled upon the document during a recent stroll on the roof of the White House. “It was just sitting there—can you believe that? Sitting right there on that—on that really…
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Pumpkin Spice Adderall® now available from your local dealer for your fall-themed 9 hour cram session in the Reg
“Say goodbye to Hot Girl Summer, and hello to Adder-fall! Autumn up your undiagnosed anxiety disorder with new Pumpkin Spice Adderall®, available from your local dealer today! (While supplies last. Do not consume…
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Karoline Leavitt to respond to CNN journalists with yo mama jokes
Leavitt debuted the strategy in her response to a HuffPost reporter’s question about a proposed summit between President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, but further instances have already appeared. Asked by the…
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President Alivisatos found drunk at frat party after US news report
After the University of Chicago rose to sixth place in the US News & World Report’s college rankings, newly re-elected President Paul Alivisatos was found at Phi Gamma Delta’s house Thursday morning passed…
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Secretary of War Pete Hegseth Announces New Military Uniform Deal
These outfits are reportedly “sleek,” “intimidating,” and “super cool, dude.” They will be a slimming black color, as Hegseth has realized since his speech that “getting rid of all the fatties” was a…
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Top 5 Places for Dads to Sulk During O Week
Orientation Week (O-Week) has come and gone, not unlike a high school boyfriend, and has prompted, much like a high school boyfriend, an extraordinary level of fatherly sulking.
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Societie of Loyale British Subjekts Seen Counter-Protesting “No Kings” Rally
Asked to explain the Societie’s political principles, chapter leader Thomas Galloway responded, “We believe that the American founding wast an act of treason against our most benevolent and gracious monarch, King George III.
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Northwestern University Kidnaps Phil the Phoenix as “Revenge” for US News Ranking
Last Tuesday, Phil the Phoenix was reported missing after failing to show up for a photo shoot with the badminton team. The cause of his disappearance was soon revealed to be the vengeful…
