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For Years, Campus Squirrels Have Circumvented Meal Swipes: “It’s Time to Make Them Pay”
Recent reporting outside Bartlett Dining Commons reveals a devastating amount of lost earnings due to the unlawful consumption of dining hall food by squirrels on campus.
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BREAKING: Jill Stein Wins
In a startling upset, The Chicago Shady Dealer has called the 2024 Presidential Election for Green Party candidate Jill Stein.
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UChiVotes Ambassadors Beg Anyone, “Literally Anyone,” to Register to Vote
Recent tactics to encourage voting from UChiVotes include cornering first-year students until they check their voting location, borrowing UCPD riot gear to force people into the Reynolds Club during early voting, and switching…
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Trump Pledges Political Foes Will Only Be “Lightly Tortured” in Second Term
“So we’re going to torture people a little, really it’s not so bad, waterboarding or cigarettes or with the electrodes, things of that nature, you have–who do you have–Sleepy Joe, remember him? Lightly…
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South to Install New “Vibe-Based” Fire Alarms
After two recent false alarms, Renee Granville-Grossman Residential Commons will be replacing all current motion-based fire alarms with new “vibe-based” models.
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UChicago to Pay All Employees in Maroon Dollars
In an attempt to reduce costs, the University of Chicago has taken a page from George Pullman’s book and will pay all faculty in Maroon dollars.
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Kamala Harris Fights Fire with Fire; Works at a Wendy’s
Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Walz, the token white guy of the campaign and grill master of the day, also made burgers, commenting, “At least I don’t use charcoal. Jeez Louise, let’s Pop…
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Harris and Trump Unveil Matching Tattoos in Show of Bipartisanship
In a dramatic display of national unity and bipartisanship, Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump announced on Monday that they had gotten matching tattoos.
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Top 5 Most Eligible Bachelors at UChicago
2. Eric M. Heath – Security Alert: Love! Some people may know Eric M. Heath as UChicago’s Associate Vice President of Safety and Security, but did you know that he’s also a sensitive…
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Shortened Quarters
Dear University of Chicago students and faculty members: We are pleased to inform you that, beginning in the 2025-2026 academic year, quarters will be shortened to 1 week of instruction and 1 week…
