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House Council Begs First Years to Carry On Legacy
“Please join!” the House Council President begged on his knees at the mandatory house meeting, as students shifted uneasily while waiting to be let out. First-years report door-knocking at midnight, creepy voices whispering…
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First Year accidentally goes to bed before 3 AM, profusely apologizes
“I swear I won’t let this happen again,” he sobbed. Tragically, at this point in the interview, a ray of sunshine came through the windowblind and fell upon Jasonson’s face, leading him to…
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Op-Ed: My mom had one Tylenol, my dad is circumsized, and I really like trains
I found out that my mom took one Tylenol when she was pregnant with me. This raised concerns, given that the Department of Health and Human Services has linked Tylenol during pregnancy to…
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“Yes, I’m a Baller” Says Mamdani After Cuomo Accuses Him of Being LeBron James in Disguise
Mamdani proceeded to step from behind his podium, take a basketball from one of the moderators, and shoot from his spot on the stage all the way to the other side of the…
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“Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
“It’s funny you mention Tennessee Williams, because he was actually a contemporary of Seuss,” said Bowles with a slight chuckle.
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First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
If successful, he would defeat the current record held by Jack McSprint, an alumnus who graduated with the Class of 1994 in two and a half years with a Bachelor of Arts in…
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White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
“I would never accept one of Jeff’s UGLY bracelets,” Trump wrote on Tuesday. “He was ALWAYS trying to pawn those pieces of CRAP (pardon my language!) off on everybody even though NOBODY WANTED…
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Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
Each VR set includes a vacuum hose attached to its headset, which has the ability to “suck” animals through a hose and into the game—a necessity if the player wishes to craft.
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Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
The Dealer is proud to announce its newest product: single-use light bulbs.
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UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
In a move to close its growing $288 million budget deficit, the University of Chicago has announced a new tiered library access system, Library+.
