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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Off-Campus Life

    In Addition to Fluoridated Water

    Justin Bilenker / September 29, 2025

    Brominated Water - Is down to party this weekend and plans to major in Econ.

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  • Campus Life

    Peer Mentor “Thrilled” for Group Meeting, Spends 45 Minutes on a Lonely Zoom Call

    Niles Crane / September 27, 2025

    "I think I'll give them a few more minutes," Francisco murmured to the empty screen. He took a sip of lukewarm coffee and practiced once more his opening line, "Hey everyone, so glad…

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  • Campus Life

    Some Motherfucker Broke the Woodlawn Study Room Window over the Summer, Haha!

    Vivian Psylos / September 26, 2025

    Like, seriously, how do you break that window? It’s huge, and difficult to even crack. And someone broke it entirely! Did they, like, throw a table at it or something? At least it…

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  • Campus Life

    Waitlisted Students Rejoice! Five First-Years Have Gone Missing in the MSI Mirror Maze

    Niles Crane / September 25, 2025

    The University has assured the public that they are doing everything they can, including calling out the students' GPAs and SAT scores in the hopes that they might be lured out by the…

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  • Historical Issue

    Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation

    Chicago Shady Dealer / September 14, 2025

    His ribald and impudent manner has already provoked fierce backlash from audiences, who have branded him a “verminous disciple of Lucifer” and “Doctor Moreau’s most lamentable creation.”

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  • Historical Issue

    Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT

    Chicago Shady Dealer / September 12, 2025

    WHO NEEDS EDUCATION WHEN WE HAVE NUKES AND A ROCKETSHIP TO THE MOON

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  • Historical Issue

    U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race

    Chicago Shady Dealer / August 7, 2025

    “Well gosh darn it, I’m just about as pleased as punch,” a breathless, ruddy-cheeked Bush told reporters following the race. “I don’t even know if I’ll take the sack off. Maybe this will…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod

    Chicago Shady Dealer / August 3, 2025

    Although reports stated that Nixon “was whispering a lot” and “looked like he hadn’t slept in days,” it’s safe to say that his disheveled look is certainly doing things for us!

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  • Historical Issue

    Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed

    Chicago Shady Dealer / August 2, 2025

    “Now that these dumb dogs are hogging all the truffles, I’m finished,” local boar Mario Roccaforte told the Dealer. “I had the sharpest snout of any porker this side of the Fiumi Uniti,…

    read more
  • Historical Issue

    New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”

    Chicago Shady Dealer / August 1, 2025

    “As soon as we capture Poland and return it to our rightful ownership, that will probably be the last of our offensives. Although Denmark and Norway are looking quite nice this time of…

    read more
 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • “Have You Heard of Dr. Seuss?” Asks Guy Who Just Found Out About Dr. Seuss
  • First-Year Declares Intent to Speed-Run College
  • White House Downplays Reports of Trump, Epstein “I Heart Pedophilia” Friendship Bracelets
  • Virtual Reality Game Sucker Debuts to Much Fanfare
  • Hear! Hear! Selling 10 Packs of Light Bulbs for the Low Price of $1500
  • UChicago Requires Library+ to Access Books
  • Point: We Should Increase Fire Drills/Counterpoint: Let’s Add A Gym Requirement Instead
  • Apply for the Royal Internship
  • Bridge Between Quad and Reg Somehow Collapses Despite Being Solid Road
  • “Back to Basics” Aims of Education Address Stresses, Shapes, Counting

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