-
Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
In what appears to be a logistical error, President Trump sent several bulldozers to the East Wing of Woodlawn instead of the East Wing of the White House owing to confusion over Google…
-
All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
When asked whether the students could be swapped back into Microeconomics, Coil announced that she had a prior commitment she had forgotten about and needed to end the interview immediately.
-
First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
Since receiving the reprimand, Hawkins has found himself agonizing over how sad he even was in the first place. “I mean, it makes sense that I would miss my family, but only on…
-
University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)
In order to accommodate the influx of Seans, house leaders have begun using strangely specific nicknames. Sean “Receding Hairline” Q commented, “The nicknames are not accurate or helpful. I’m clearly the best Sean…
-
In his second memoir, “Ignore My First One,” Vance reveals that the root of his anger toward Zelensky was his thick lashes.
J.D. Vance admits that seeing Volodymyr Zelensky’s lashes triggered months of resentment, forcing him to repeatedly abandon his vice presidential duties to take lengthy vacations. But now, Vance is back—not to his position…
-
12 Days of UChicago Finals
On the twelfth day of finals, my college gave to me:
-
LA Dodgers Fan finds out the Dodgers are a Baseball team and not a Hat Company
“I was absolutely shocked,” said Carl, after realizing his favorite model, a 6’2” man named Teoscar Hernández from the Dominican Republic, is actually an outfielder.
-
5 Movies to Reject the Christmas Spirit while still saying you’re watching a Christmas Movie
Look, if Christianity doesn’t exist in space, neither does Christmas.
-
Catholic Family Realizes They’re Nation’s Last Practitioners of the Advent Wreath; Experts Confirm the Three Kings Are “Not Coming, Don’t Wait Up”
“We thought everyone still did it,” said matriarch Maria Del Toro, carefully arranging three purple candles and one pink candle in preparation for the weekly arguments about who gets to light them, “You…
-
UChicago Tour Guide Fired after Confirming “Where Fun Goes to Die” Culture on Tour
The ex-tour guide, second-year Hugh Mungo, refused to comment unless the Dealer agreed to write an article slamming all ten different business RSOs that rejected him. Prevented by its incomparably scrupulous ethical code…
