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In Addition to Fluoridated Water
Brominated Water - Is down to party this weekend and plans to major in Econ.
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Peer Mentor “Thrilled” for Group Meeting, Spends 45 Minutes on a Lonely Zoom Call
"I think I'll give them a few more minutes," Francisco murmured to the empty screen. He took a sip of lukewarm coffee and practiced once more his opening line, "Hey everyone, so glad…
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Some Motherfucker Broke the Woodlawn Study Room Window over the Summer, Haha!
Like, seriously, how do you break that window? It’s huge, and difficult to even crack. And someone broke it entirely! Did they, like, throw a table at it or something? At least it…
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Waitlisted Students Rejoice! Five First-Years Have Gone Missing in the MSI Mirror Maze
The University has assured the public that they are doing everything they can, including calling out the students' GPAs and SAT scores in the hopes that they might be lured out by the…
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Disgusting Mouse Cartoon Repulses Nation
His ribald and impudent manner has already provoked fierce backlash from audiences, who have branded him a “verminous disciple of Lucifer” and “Doctor Moreau’s most lamentable creation.”
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Point: Your Country’s Science Education is Lacking; Counterpoint: WE GOT THE MOON FIRST CRY ABOUT IT
WHO NEEDS EDUCATION WHEN WE HAVE NUKES AND A ROCKETSHIP TO THE MOON
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U.S. Declares Victory in Cold War as Bush Shellacs Gorbachev in Potato Sack Race
“Well gosh darn it, I’m just about as pleased as punch,” a breathless, ruddy-cheeked Bush told reporters following the race. “I don’t even know if I’ll take the sack off. Maybe this will…
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Richard Nixon Dazzles Nation With Beautiful Swimsuit Bod
Although reports stated that Nixon “was whispering a lot” and “looked like he hadn’t slept in days,” it’s safe to say that his disheveled look is certainly doing things for us!
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Pigs Rooted Out of Truffle-Hunting Business by Sick New Dog Breed
“Now that these dumb dogs are hogging all the truffles, I’m finished,” local boar Mario Roccaforte told the Dealer. “I had the sharpest snout of any porker this side of the Fiumi Uniti,…
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New Statement From Hitler: “After Poland I’m Done Bro, Trust Me Bro, Deadass”
“As soon as we capture Poland and return it to our rightful ownership, that will probably be the last of our offensives. Although Denmark and Norway are looking quite nice this time of…
