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Editors in Chief

Lena Birkholz, Jacob Halabe, Maisie Thompson

Managing Editor

Andrea Zhou

Deputy Managing Editor

Griffin Bonnin Jones

Layout Editor

Abby Beckler

Deputy Layout Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Justin Bilenker, Katherine Reynolds

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

UChicago Student Running From College Council

While the beginning of Spring Quarter has marked numerous announcements of ambitious students running for College Council, one student has decided to rival this long-standing tradition by running from College Council. Simon Jorgensen, a second year…

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April 19, 2021
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Sponsored Advertisement — PACKED: Dumplings Reimagined

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Reed Thurston Oct. 18, 2017 Listen: Forget everything you thought you knew about dumplings until now. Coming this month to rock the foodie scene in Hyde Park is PACKED, a new kind…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Dean Ellison Is Always Naked Under His Clothes and I Hate It

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Concerned Reader Oct. 18, 2017 I wish to call your attention to a horrific fact. John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students at the University of Chicago, is naked under his clothes. Let…

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  • Campus Life

    Admin Accuses GSU of Taking Free Speech Too Far

    Chicago Shady Dealer and 1 more / March 16, 2013

      By Breck Radulovic and Dan Lastres Oct. 20, 2017 After years of successfully stymying grad students’ efforts to unionize, the administration was dealt a shocking defeat. Graduate students at the University of…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    5 Homeopathic Remedies to Try Before Calling Your Parents Who Are Doctors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Are you struggling with dry skin? Nursing an earache? Hounded by stomach bloat? You’ll find all sorts of “western industrial medicines” for these ailments at your local…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    New Health Trend: Hiring a Sensei to Kick Your Ass

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Nik Varley Jan. 19, 2018 Image by Aubrey Christofersen  There’s a new health craze going around, and it’s not what you think! Fed up with demanding diets, cleanses and workout routines, many…

    read more
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Freegan Group’s Newest Member Also the Healthiest

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Greer Baxter Jan. 19, 2018 Members of the local freegan meet-up group Impact: Zero! are starting to question the commitment of newest member Mike Fitzpatrick, who joined three months ago. Says group…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    The White on White Crimes You Need to Know

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Deb Mukerjee Jan. 29, 2018 Losing your friends in the snow Look, it happens. It’s cold and windy and we’re all wearing four pairs of pants and scarves over our seeing sockets.…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Seven Healthy Butter Substitutes

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Megan Parsons Jan. 29, 2018 Hey there, everyone, Megan here, aka Meg, aka Super Mommy. Trying to eat healthier in 2018? Have no fear! Eating well can be daunting, but these seven…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Horoscopes: Marxist Tattoo Edition

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 Ready to show off your everlasting love for your SOSC buddy, Marx? Here’s your guide to picking the commie tattoo that best represents you! Aries: Adam Smith’s…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Zero Waste Redemption: How I Fit a Year of My Trash in a Mason Jar

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ella Hester Jan. 29, 2018 When I went zero waste at the beginning of 2017, I wasn’t just embarking on a fresh start: I was literally running from the law! I needed…

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 Older Posts
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  • This Snake Oil Stuff Is So Good! Really Delicious You Should Try It I’m Climbing The Walls
  • Five Romantic Poets Who Definitely Fucked Your Wife
  • SSRIs Cure Great Depression
  • Say It With Me: Zero-Hours Contract is the Best Contract!
  • Automated Bobbin-Changing Equipment Threatens Job Security of 9-Year-Olds
  • Wilhelm Crashenblimpen Appointed Captain Of The Hindenburg
  • Alexander Hamilton Reviews Hamilton: “Wait, they did what?”
  • After Success Of First Novel, George Orwell Announces Publication Of “1984 2: This Time It’s Personal”

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