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Our Five Favorite New Pokémon (Please Don’t Masturbate to This)
By The Chicago Shady Dealer Gaming Committee Nov. 12, 2016 PokemonPokémon Sun and Moon came out on November 18th, and we are head over heels in love with the new guys. Let’s have…
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Since I Feel Comfortable Speaking Freely at This University, Here Are a Few Unpopular Opinions About Mad Men
By Daniel Ruttenberg Nov. 12, 2016 UChicago is known worldwide as a paragon of free expression. I can’t imagine myself being as comfortable with speaking my mind about Mad Men anywhere other than…
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Am I Happy in this Relationship or Am I Just Passing Math?
By Baunnee Martinez Nov. 12, 2016 The soft, silky sheet. The streaks of gray that flutter across the page. The brush of the red pen on the the top corner of the calculus…
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How To Tell If Your Tinder Date Is Actually Danny DeVito In Drag
By Ryan Fleishman Nov. 13, 2016 Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone special over Tinder, and then set up a date at a local café? Did you meet up with…
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Pardoned Presidential Turkey Protests for Right to Die
By Antonia Salisbury Nov. 14, 2016 There’s nothing like the holiday season to remind you who your friends and family are and also to launch you into a deep, all-consuming depression. Luckily for…
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Admissions Office Announces Exciting New Diversity Initiative
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 The University of Chicago Admissions Office recently announced an exciting new diversity initiative, the Opportunity Scholarship, to help increase the diversity of rich and privileged students attending…
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Bob Avakian has best Quarter yet, Announces 5 New Series
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 Communist Revolutionary and author of the book New Communism Bob Avakian recently announced that Q3 of 2016 was his best quarter yet, bringing in a record $6.1…
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FDA Approves Fuckboy Cones
By Morgan Pantuck Nov. 14, 2016 In a stunning announcement earlier this week, US Food and Drug Administration (FDA) approved a New Technology Application for the controversial “Fuckboy Cones” patented by Merck &…
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University Administration Announces New Bullshit, Half Thought-Out Change With No Prior Consultation
By Philip O’Sullivan Nov. 14, 2016 On October 27, 2016, Dean John “Jay” Ellison, Dean of Students in the College, announced his administration’s exciting new bbullshit, half– thought– out changes with noout prior…
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Ho Ho Ho! Why is my House Getting Closer to the Water Every Year?
By Nico Aldape Nov. 15, 2016 Merry Christmas to all, and a Happy New Year! I know it’s not December 25th yet, but whenever I watch TV, all I see are commercial depictions…
