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Masthead

Editors in Chief

Griffin Bonnin Jones, Andrea Zhou

Managing Editor

Katherine Reynolds

Deputy Managing Editor

Vivian Psylos

Layout Editor

Justin Bilenker

Photo Editor

Zayna Cheema

Copy Editors

Nik Ochoa, Chase Teichholz

Disclaimer

Did we hurt your feelings, or say something that “rings untrue” in your soft ears? Well you’re paying too much attention to what we said, and not enough attention to what we meant. God is God, the river is swift, and we don’t give a fuck.

Any complaints can be emailed to [email protected].

Campus Life, Favorites

Math Department Discovers New Highest Number

A team of mathematicians at the University of Chicago have discovered a new highest number, a new paper reveals. That number, 87382, is nearly 2 higher than the previous highest…

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November 16, 2020
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

OI Renamed “Indiana H. Jones Institute of Academic Grave-Robbing”

In an effort to promote diversity, the Institute will showcase numerous artifacts looted and pillaged from cultures around the world.

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November 30, 2022
Campus Life, Favorites

Kid Makes Anaphylactic Shock All About Himself

Joseph Silverstein, a member of Johnson’s house, said, “Yeah, so while John went to the bathroom, I swapped his muffin with one that had peanuts, and, gosh, after hearing that…

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January 5, 2023
Campus Life, Favorites

University Introduces New Way to Get Downtown: “Walk, Motherfuckers”

This option has been poorly received by undergraduates, as several would-be ‘motherfuckers’ told the Dealer.

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December 6, 2022
Chicago Shady Dealer, Favorites

Visiting Parents Worried about the Cost of Three Weddings after Seeing Son Talk to Three Different Girls in His House

While parents Michael and Jessica Trout carefully budgeted for their son Timothy’s college expenses along with a single wedding, they were abruptly reminded that some costs simply cannot be anticipated…

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October 24, 2021
  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We Fucking Hate Pandas

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By University Administration July 8, 2016 Over the past few years, the UChicago Office of Sustainability has worked with campus and community partners on several important projects, including ventures to improve waste reduction…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Help! The Moldy Banana I Accidentally Left in Storage Has Achieved Sentience

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Jacob Johnson July 23, 2016 Look, we’ve all been there. You open one of the boxes you stored before you left last June, and your nose is suddenly met with the pungent…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    A Letter from the Editors

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Matthew Goldenberg and Walker King Aug. 17, 2015 Dear Members of the UChicago Community, It’s with a heavy heart that we announce the return of the Chicago Shady Dealer for another year…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: Porn is Worse Here

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Ryan Fleishman July 25, 2016 op-ed: porn is worse here Porn. I love it, you love it, we all love porn, but especially me. I love porn the most, so I am…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Omance Goes Oorly

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 A recent Omance between Benjamin Brooks and Cate Preston has gone Oorly, according to anonymous Ources. The Ources say Brooks and Preston Oth live in Ony Island…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Naughty: Venn Diagrams With a Third Circle

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Thanks for reading this issue of ThanksThanks for reading this issue of the Shady Dealer! You all deserve a surprise… a sexy surprise: Hide that from your…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    We ‘Ship Shipping Interns With Shipping Internships

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Daniel Ruttenberg July 31, 2016 Internships for shipping interns, shipped in turn: Chip “Whip” Kipp with Ship Shipping An internship that ships a ship? That ‘ship’s so hip for Chip “Whip” Kipp,…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Top Five Reasons to Sleep with Me

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 I want to first preface this with the fact that there are many more reasons to sleep with me. These are just the top. I can last…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Op-Ed: I’m Already Annoyed by My Roomate’s Laugh Track

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By David North Aug. 1, 2016 I’ve been sharing a studio apartment with Todd Henderson for a couple of weeks now. I am writing this op-ed to recount my experiences living in this…

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  • Chicago Shady Dealer

    Three Dead, Four Wounded in Deadly Political Correctness Attack

    Chicago Shady Dealer / March 16, 2013

    By Liam Coles Aug. 1, 2016 Philadelphia— The suicide bomber Justin Saeed ended up killing 3 and critically wounding 4 in what has been called a massive attack of political correctness. This Monday…

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 Older Posts
Newer Posts 

Read It and Weep

  • Shady Dealer Discovers The Lair
  • Point: Someday, you’ll be forgotten by history / Counterpoint: I sold some really bad copper
  • Andrew Cuomo announces 2028 presidential campaign
  • Heists are back baby! Let’s steal the haunted amulet in the basement of Mansueto
  • Confused Animal Rights Group seen protesting outside NFL HQ after Bad Bunny announcement
  • Religious Studies Class Taught by Pope Leo XIV Cancelled Due to Federal Cuts
  • Trump accidentally destroys East Wing of Woodlawn
  • All Microeconomics 101 Students Swapped into Beginner Akkadian in Add-Drop Fiasco
  • First Year Formally Reprimanded for Failing to Intellectualize Homesickness
  • University to introduce affirmative action for guys named Sean (Shaun and Shawn excluded)

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